Monday, June 01, 2009

Gum Chewing.....Cow Style

One day last week while I was standing in line at Starbucks, I was suddenly reminded of why I should NEVER chew gum for the rest of my life.

Whenever I chew gum…I truly resemble a cow eating grass.

I mean is it humanly possible to chew gum with your mouth closed, not make noise, and blow bubbles?

Apparently, I can’t seem to do it.

All through the 90’s I was a big-time gum addict. I chewed so much, that it took less than 24 hours to go through one of those Plenti-Packs. I was forever putting a stick in my mouth, chewing it for twenty minutes, spitting it out, and then immediately tossing in another piece.

I was a chain-chewer.

And because I was chewing sugarless gum, I developed a sensitivity to artificial sweeteners, which caused me to have spontaneous intestinal irrigation.

Slowly, I weaned myself off gum and switched to a Cryst-O-Mint Lifesaver addiction.

Now occasionally, I will bum a stick from someone at work, but only when I don’t have a mint handy and my breath smells like a coffee roaster.

The woman who was standing behind me in Starbucks was chewing her gum in such a way that it made me want to turn around like a catholic school nun and RIP it out of her mouth; making her wear it on the tip of her nose for detention.

“Now…GO STAND IN THE CORNER, MISSY!

OMG…I thought I was going to go INSANE!

First of all, she was standing so close to my personal space, I could smell the flavor. And the NOISES that she was making would have tested the patience of Mahatma Gandhi.

She kept taking the gum; spreading it out over her tongue, sucking it IN as it SNAPPED!

Then spreading it out over her tongue again, blowing it OUT as it POPPED!

And in between doing this she kept CRACKING it with her teeth.

SNAP!…POP!…CRACK!

SNAP…POP!…CRACK!

SNAP…POP!…CRACK!

Over and over and over again…

I was getting so irritated that my legs started twitching, my shoulders began to hunch, and my eye balls started spinning around in my head like a slot machine.

As I slowly made my way to barista counter, her gum chewing got more and more rapid and increasingly louder, until her mouth produced what I can only describe as the finale in the 4th of July fireworks display…

God Bless America!