My Official Summer Bitch Post



Well, here it is folks….

….my official summer bitch post.

However, considering that it’s mid-August and we haven’t experienced much heat this summer, I should be happy and grateful and not whining or complaining about the heat wave that just sauntered in.

I am happy and grateful.

And I do know that I shouldn’t complain or whine.

Logically I know these things in my head, but unfortunately deep within the center of my being, all I want to do is SCREAM..….

......…I HATE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I had heard from someone at work on Sunday that the temperatures this week were going to be in the 90’s with 85% humidity, so the heat index was going to be 102.

Well…

…when I heard what came out of their mouth, it really sounded like they said, “Starting tomorrow it’s going to feel as though you’re spending seven days in hell, while Satan is rubbing HOT COALS all over your naked body; dangling a glass of ice cold water one inch from your dry, parched lips and telling you that you can’t have it.”

I knew that for the whole week I would most likely be acting like a menopausal rhinoceros because my whole personality changes when I’m hot.

Truthfully, I can get very short tempered and have been known to exclaim the words, “BITE ME!”

Monday morning when I woke up I discovered I was out of coffee, so I had to walk to the drug store around the corner to get some Maxwell House. And I could tell, even at 9 a.m. that the day was going to be hellacious.

It was close to three o’clock by the time I finally got outside to run some errands. And the second I opened the front door of my apartment building the hot, humid air hit me in the face like a heavy wet blanket that had been soaking inside an Italian hoagie.

Something wonderful happens in the city when it gets hot and humid.

It smells like onioned arm pits.

Such a lovely aroma.

Anyway….

…by the time I finished walking only four blocks, my clothes were soaking wet and my forehead was dripping salty sweat into my burning eyes. I felt like I wanted to throw myself in front of moving Septa bus.

I tried walking close to the buildings, so I would be shaded from the sun by the awnings, but apparently everyone else had the same idea because I kept bumping into sweaty onion people who were trying to HOG that side of the pavement.

Well, needless to say I did NOT accomplish all my errands on Monday. I decided to split them into two days, so I could evenly distribute my heat torture.

Tuesday, I saved for a long hot walk to the grocery store. And about half way back to my apartment building; carrying two bags of heavy groceries, I suddenly wanted to SCREAM out like the Wicked Witch of the West…..






42 comments

  1. R-J,
    That hot? Time to go commando! :)

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  2. Millie:

    "All I wanna do is have some fun
    I got a feeling I'm not the only one
    All I wanna do is have some fun
    I got a feeling I'm not the only one
    All I wanna do is have some fun
    Until the sun comes up over Santa Monica Boulevard"

    onioned arm pits? What do you do, go around smelling peoples arm pits? hmmm *takes a long puff of the ciggy.

    You may not know this but Bite me is my favorite saying...that and pffft...if you read my blog regularly you will know that, which I'm sure you do.

    Cheers to you on that one :)

    I hate the heat as bad as you. You should have been here yesterday, with that Bitch of a Felicia coming in, there was no wind and the heat and humidity were like 10000%. It was awful.

    Now Millie...just click those Ruby Reds and home ya go.

    "Somewhere over the rainbow
    Way up high,
    There's a land that I heard of
    Once in a lullaby.

    Somewhere over the rainbow
    Skies are blue,
    And the dreams that you dare to dream
    Really do come true.

    Someday I'll wish upon a star
    And wake up where the clouds are far
    Behind me.
    Where troubles melt like lemon drops
    Away above the chimney tops
    That's where you'll find me.

    Somewhere over the rainbow
    Bluebirds fly.
    Birds fly over the rainbow.
    Why then, oh why can't I?

    If happy little bluebirds fly
    Beyond the rainbow
    Why, oh why can't I?"

    Oh i'm in tears with that song. It's so so so...well just me :)

    *puffs off the ciggy yet again.

    Hmmm how do you suppose we can trap that Damn Mother Nature and make her just never ever bring us summer heat any longer.

    "It's Not nice to fool Mother Nature" My ass...I'll take chiffon anyday...speaking of which, I bet you got some good ones hmmm.

    Ethel

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  3. Hey Ron,

    I can feel where you are coming from.
    Summer when it's in full swing with high humidity in Philly is THE PITS !! We were there in '92 for the first time and it was
    freaking steamy hot !!

    That reason( and my pocket book too), make it that I can never live over there.Too hot in the summer for me.

    You are right to do your errends twice or several times instead of tourturing yourself in all one time. Because it is HELL ! I know that you are sensible because you hate these conditons to begin with.

    One of the flip side, I think you said that you have less problems with winter and snow.

    Isn't Philly such a city of extremes? :)

    I still say that early Autumn was comfy over there. I loved it; we walked all over the city and were not all hot & sticky.

    Stay cool if you can and treat yourself to some nice cool drinks too ( BURP- oops !!)

    Big hugs to you in Love city !
    XXXX

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  4. After spending those few days in Philadelphia recently with the heat, I understand and remember your pain. While, I now remarkably love the heat and humidity perhaps because I've become a cold blooded iguana that can't keep a normal warm body temperature living in an arctic climate most of the year, 102 heat index in Philadelphia is an unpleasant thing. The smell from the sewers and subway entrances combined with the moisture laden air is enough to make anyone want to loose their cookies. Fear not, autumn will be there sooner than you think.

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  5. The good Summertime. Yes, the entire world does take on that unusual order when the humidity goes up a few notches. The ride in the subway or bus is like being part of the stock for a week old minestrone soup. Every one smells like it!! No getting away from it. I try to bathe in 130 gals of cologne to mask the aroma of Sunday's soup de jour. Then after a few days a real nice thing happens ~ a breeze makes it way on to your body and for one fleeting second you experience a moment of relief and you smile. The order of onion soup is a wee bit less and you have some sort of comfort again.
    You no longer wish to be in polar regions of the world because where you are right now is ok.
    Wait!!!! I must have suffered some heat stroke because that is bullshit. It is Fu--ing Hot.

    Ira Icecube

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  6. Here I am praying for hot weather and you've got it all! You should come and live in England where hot weather is a rare occurrence, you'd love it! LOL

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  7. I thought I would die on Monday! The sun was a laser and the air was oven like

    I always wondered how to describe that smell - onioned arm pits is it!!!

    fall is coming my love
    fall is coming

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  8. Aloha Debi!

    No way!

    But a "thong" I would consider.

    HA!

    *maybe even make a few "bucks$" along the way.

    HA!

    Peace, baby!

    Thanks for stopping by, Deb!

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  9. Aloha Thom!

    YES....I make it a habit of smelling peoples arm pits every couple of blocks.

    YEEEEHAAAAW!

    No, not really...because all I have to do is walk outside during the summer and INHALE. It truly smells like an Italian hoagie.

    ONIONED arm pits!!!!

    Isn't BITE ME a great expression? It's a great subsitute for FUCK YOU.

    HA!

    Having lived in Florida, I know a little of what you're talking about when it comes to tropical heat and humidity!! In fact, that's one of the main reasons why I moved back east. But I'll tell ya....the summers here can be just as bad. I don't think I realized how just how HUMID it can get here. But the great thing is that is only for 2-3 months. YEEPEEE!

    I'll tell you something truthfully....if summer no longer existed, I would NEVER miss it.

    Just give me FALL and Winter all year long - LOVE em'!

    ...If happy little bluebirds fly
    Beyond the rainbow
    Why, oh why can't I?"
    ...

    *clicks heels and ends up in Alaska.

    hahahahahahahahaha!

    Aloha, Dorothy!

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  10. Bonjour Barbara!

    OMG...I know you know what I'm talking about when it comes to the humidity in this city!!!!

    Isn't it the WORST???

    NYC is just as bad. In fact, worse because of all the buildings that trap the heat. I don't think people realize just how bad it gets here in the summer.

    Yeah, you're absolutely right...fall and winter are no problem for me. I can walk 13 blocks in a snow storm to go grocery shopping and it doesn't bother me at all.

    Oh boy, last year when you and Didier came to visit was PERFECT, wasn't it? It was actually chilly at night.

    I've discovered a trick for staying cool here during the summer....

    ...Rita's Italian Water Ice!!!!!

    Lemon! They're heavenly!

    YUMMY!!!!!!!

    Oh well, FALL is almost here!

    Thanks for stopping by, Barb!

    A BIG hug from Philly....

    ...{{{{{{{{Barb}}}}}}}}}}

    X

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  11. Hi Jen!

    ...The smell from the sewers and subway entrances combined with the moisture laden air is enough to make anyone want to loose their cookies...

    OMG...YES!!!!!

    And I know when you were here a few weeks ago the heat and humidity were just starting to roll in.

    Isn't funny how are bodies change to hot and cold? While I was living in Florida for the first 15 years, the heat never bothered me. And then for some reason, I must have gone through menopause because I started craving cold again!?!?

    Oh, well...it's just as you shared, Jen. Autumn will be here before I know it! YAAAHOOOO!

    Have a grande' day, Jen!

    And thank you for stopping by!

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  12. Dear Ira Icecube...

    ...Wait!!!! I must have suffered some heat stroke because that is bullshit. It is Fu--ing Hot...

    Bwhahahhahahahahaha!!!!

    YOU ARE A RIOT!!!

    I always enjoy your closing statements on your comments because they totally catch me off guard!!!

    OMG, Dave...going underground to catch a subway during the summer is perhaps the worst of the worst in smelly heat. Last week while I was in NYC and waiting for a subway I wanted to DIE. NO AIR-CONDITIONING!!!! I thought I was going to pass out on the platform.

    SPLAT!

    Always great seeing ya, my friend!

    Thanks for sharing your wonderful wit!

    Love it!

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  13. Good Morning Akelamalu!

    Do mean to tell me that you've gotten NO heat there this summer???

    Ok...let's trade places!!!

    Listen, I'll be more than happy to send you some of this heat in a can. Just email me your address.

    HAHHAHAHAHAAHA!

    Have a wonderful Wednesday, m'dear!

    Thanks for stopping by!

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  14. Oh...Dianne....

    Can I just tell ya how much I was thinking about you on Monday!!!

    Didn't you want to SCREAM??

    You and I are such a rare breed when it comes to NOT enjoying the summer heat. I sometimes feel like I'm the only person who's not saying, "I LOVE SUMMER!!!"

    Yes...onioned arm pits.

    I think they should find a way to bottle it and make a cologne.

    bwhahahahahahaha!

    Fall is coming!

    Fall is coming!

    Love ya, dear lady!

    Thanks for stopping by!

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  15. Ohhhh Ron dear, I soooo hear ya on all of this and am feeling your pain from across the river. The probably warm as bath water Delaware.
    You are right, we have had a bit of a mild summer but when it did kick in... oi vey. The other night we had our central air on, set to 70, 'cause we like it pretty cool, but we couldn't get it to bring the temp down in here lower than 79. I shouldn't complain as it was still wayyyy hotter outside.
    Yesterday I was trying to not be miserable but I had umpteen errands to run and it was in and out of the house and car all day long. Heat, traffic, ick.

    Well.... soon enough the weather will change again. Yippee. As much as I do love living in a place where I can experience all of the seasons, I do start getting ready for the next one about mid-way. So yes, Summer is here.... but hurry up Fall!!

    Last night we went to Rita's Water Ice. That's really great for a cool off!

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  16. Not even sleeping commando? :O
    You mean it's HOT and you sleep in those long sleeve flannel Care Bear Feetie P.J.'s (with the trap door) ?

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  17. Hi, Ron
    Yes, I'm in Oregon - & yikes - we had > 100* for a week or so (I know, I know) & were SO whiney!!
    We just aren't used to the heat - & we had more humidity than we're *used to* as well! I remember thinking it smelled funny - onioned armpits describes it!!

    I was at the ocean (nice plesant 60*) for a few days when our hot spell began, & did NOT look forward to driving back home!!
    Plus last winter we had a few feet of SNOW - which we're also not used to (more a few inches, then it melts, & may snow again in a few weeks or month)!!

    I thought of how @#$% we were with the snow several times while we were going thru our HOT spell, lol!
    Today it's 'only' about 92*, & moods are much better.

    cheers
    Dia

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  18. you always make me laugh ron and i love your happy endings...always a good summation.

    onioned armpits. oh my.

    stay cool.

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  19. Since Florida is the penis of the United States (look at it on a map!) you can imagine how IT smells since we're in the 10th circle of Hell 10 months out of 12!

    People who only see FL on TV think it's all CSI Miami and Mickey Mouse! Ever smell a sweaty rodent? It's not pleasant. And seriously, who the fuck wears black suits in Florida all damn year? NO ONE!!!! It's a LIE!

    Don't even get me started on what the Tropicana plant smells like a 1:00 in the afternoon when it's grapefruit juice making time.

    I'm so with you, Ron. The heat SUCKS!!!!

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  20. I didn't need to go any further than "Monday morning when I woke up I discovered I was out of coffee...."

    AUUUGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!



    I do hope it's cooled down for you--don't feel compelled to send it our way.....and for GOODNESS SAKES...always, always, ALWAYS keep a spare can of coffee in your apartment.

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  21. Howdy Crystal Chick!

    YAAAAAAAY on Rita's Water Ice!!!!

    Don't ya just LOVE em'????

    One opened about four blocks from my apartment last year, so I like to walk over sometimes in the evenings after dinner for a special treat!

    They're my LIFE saver in the summer.

    I have A/C window unit in my studio apartment, so I'm VERY grateful that my place cools off quickly. I only use it in the evenings before I go to bed. During the day, I keep the window blinds closed and the ceiling fan on, which seems to keep the apartment comfortable.

    *of course, I'm only wearing my underwear, so maybe that has something to do with it.

    HA!

    You said it, neighbor....

    ....summer's here, but HURRY UP FALL!!!!

    woo! woo!

    Thanks for stopping by, M!

    Stay cool and keep eating those Rita's!!!!

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  22. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA...Debi!!!!

    No, my friend...I don't sleep in my long sleeve flannel Care Bear Feetie P.J.'s (with the trap door)....

    I save those for WINTER!

    I sleep in a pair of briefs. I can't do the "commando thing" I hate flopping around!

    HAHAHAHAHAHA!

    X

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  23. Hi Dia!

    Great seeing ya again!

    Yes...I did hear about the HOT weather you were having so early this summer. It was actually hotter there than it was here, which is VERY strange because I know you're area of the country doesn't usually experience extreme hot or cold.

    For us here in the northeast, it's been a rather mild summer, but this past week was horrible!

    Isn't it amazing how people's mood's change when it's hot?

    I would much rather be TOO cold, than TOO hot. I'm such a winter person - and LOVE the snow! I think in past life I was a penguin!

    HA!

    Hope you had a great day!

    Thanks for stopping by, Dia!

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  24. Hiya Valerie!

    Thanks my friend!

    "onioned arm pits"

    OH MY, is RIGHT!!!

    stinky, stinky!

    tee, hee!

    Today has been a bit cooler here.

    THANK GOD!

    Enjoy your evening!

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  25. OH DEAR GOD...Nitebyrd....

    I LOVE YOU!!!!!!

    ...penis of the United States (look at it on a map!)...

    bwhahahahhaahhaha!

    Because you're RIGHT!!!

    And you're also right about only seeing Florida from the TV. I use to tell my friends who would come visit me from the northeast....

    ...NEVER and mean NEVER come visit me during the summer months and expect me to stand in line at DISNEY! It's freakin' TORTURE!

    Love ya, Sis!

    The heat SUCKS!!!!

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  26. Funny GirlAugust 12, 2009

    Here in the DC area it's just as bad, just add curry to the onioned arm pit smell and good gracious let me tell ya there is nothing, and I do mean nothing, like that special smell.

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  27. Hiya Mel!

    OK....

    ...how did I guess that YOU would have the strongest reaction to NOT HAVING COFFEE in the morning!?!?!

    Because you're my COFFEE LOVIN' BUDDY, that's why!

    You've no idea when that happens, how it sets my day off on the WRONG foot! I mean, I can barely even walk to the store without having coffee first! I have put on my dark sunglasses because my eyes look like their still asleep!

    HAHAHAHHAHA!

    You're right...I need to always have a SPARE in my apartment!

    whew!

    Happy Wednesday, dear lady!

    Thanks for stopping by!

    X

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  28. Hi Funny Girl!

    Funny you mentioned DC because a few weeks ago, I was talking to a customer in my store who I had asked about the summer heat in that area and they said it was HORRENDOUS!

    I think the whole eastcoast is pretty much the same when it comes to summer heat.

    And funny you should also mention the smell of CURRY because while living in Japan one summer, that's all I could smell permiating the air.

    MY GOD...they cook with a TON of curry in that country!!

    Thanks for stopping by, FG!

    Hope you had a COOL day!

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  29. Flopping. Ooh la la...the visual.
    HEY wait a minute! You were a chippendale...the BEST chippendale...Firefox Ron...you should be *used* to all that flopping!

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  30. Atta Girl Dot...I so agree with ya. But my fav is spring :) OH yeah

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  31. Debi!

    Yes, but while I'm sleeping, it can't be flopping.

    tee, hee!

    Mr Chip N. Dale

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  32. Yes...me, too Ethel!!!

    Spring is also a fav of mine!!!

    LOVE the blossoming of flowers!!!

    ~Dorothy~

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  33. Yes, m'dear, but with all YOUR mojo, who needs sleep?! ;)
    In the words of The Electric Poet, the Lizard King:
    Mr. Mojo risin, Mr. Mojo risin
    Got to keep on risin
    Mr. Mojo risin, Mr. Mojo risin
    Mojo risin, gotta mojo risin
    Mr. Mojo risin, gotta keep on risin
    Risin, risin
    Gone risin, risin
    Im gone risin, risin
    I gotta risin, risin
    Well, risin, risin
    I gotta, wooo, yeah, risin

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  34. Bwhahahahahahahah Debi!

    OMG...you and Thom need to start you own singing blogograms!!!!

    That was GRRRRRREAT!!!

    You can start charging $5.00 a song to sing on anyone's blog!

    Think of the EXTRA moola$$$

    X

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  35. OMG! I am SO with you. It's like my body doesn't have the proper cooling mechanism.

    I try to think cool thoughts but it just doesn't work so I can only wear black or white because they don't show sweat spots.

    I guess we can take comfort in the fact that it will be snowing soon and then we can bitch about that.

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  36. Hiya Chrissy!

    aaaah...that's RIGHT!

    I totally forgot you were ALSO a heat hater!!!!

    SEE!!!! We're twins!

    As I get older, my cooling system seems to get more and more non-workable. Even if it's only 80 degrees, it feels like 90 to me!

    OMG!!! SNOW!!!!

    I can't wait!!!!

    Hope you had a great day, Chrissy.

    Thanks for stopping by!

    Stay COOL twin!

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  37. I like warm weather, but I am SO ready for fall!

    As you know, I am in Florida too. When it's this hot and humid people get violent. Road rage increases..even buggy rage in Publix parking lot. Combine nature's heat and menopausal women and you are taking your life in your hands just to run out for a loaf of bread!! :O

    Even my two dogs, Ringo and Amber (who normally want to go out and play) bang on the door if I don't let them back in within TWO MINUTES!! I've noticed they are grumpier too!!

    Yep..it's time for fall. Remind me of this when I am bitching about the cold weather! :)

    LY!

    ~g-h

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  38. Hi again Dear Gypsy-Heart!

    OMG...I SOOOOOO know what you mean about the heat in Florida!!!

    About fours years before I moved back east, I got to the point where my body would actually cry out in pain from the heat.

    And yes...I would get SO crumpy and very short-tempered.

    I do here too, during the summer.

    Even my cats (who normally LOVED warmer temps) would get sick durning the intense summer heat.

    I really enjoyed the time I spent living in Florida (20 years), but over the years my body started to change; needing cooler temps.

    MAN-O-PAUSE I guess?

    tee, hee!

    And yes, my friend...I am SO ready for Fall too!

    Can't wait to start seeing the leaves change color!

    LY too!

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  39. I can't believe you actually used to live in Florida! I've always had this aversion to heat. Really? You were able to tolerate it??

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  40. Hi Chrissy!

    Yup...I lived there for 20 YEARS!!!!!

    Loved it for the first 15...

    ...went INSANE for the last 5!!!

    Glad I'm back in the north again.

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  41. OMG ron, this was hysterical! sweaty onion pits??? how lovely is that?! remind me not to come and visit in the summer! I too hate the summer, hate the heat, and turn into a real bitch when I have to endure it in any way, shape or form....I try really hard not to do that but I do anyway, I simply hate heat! I thought only meno-women did that? hmmm...

    glad I'm not the only one, hahaha...I imagine you have AC...well I DON'T!!! will someone please tell me why I didn't think of that when we built this stupid house??? sigh...

    kisses, you have turned me off onion rings forever!
    xoxox

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  42. Hellooooo Linda!

    Ok....

    ...you mean to tell me that you DON'T have A/C???

    OMG...I would DIE!

    But I guess it doesn't normally get hot where you live. I mean usually California has much cooler summers, right?

    But I guess with all this global warming going on, it's starting to get hot everywhere during the summer.

    I can deal with the heat during the day, but I have to have the A/C on when I sleep or I can't sleep. That's really the only time I have it on. Other than that, it's stays pretty bareable in my apartment.

    Yes...the city smells exactly like onioned armpits. I kid you not!!

    Blah!

    Anyway, my friend...thanks a bunch for stopping by this evening. I hope you had a great day!

    Enjoy your Sunday!!!!

    XOXOXOXOXOXOXOX

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