Wednesday, August 12, 2009

My Official Summer Bitch Post

Well, here it is folks….

….my official summer bitch post.

However, considering that it’s mid-August and we haven’t experienced much heat this summer, I should be happy and grateful and not whining or complaining about the heat wave that just sauntered in.

I am happy and grateful.

And I do know that I shouldn’t complain or whine.

Logically I know these things in my head, but unfortunately deep within the center of my being, all I want to do is SCREAM..….

......…I HATE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I had heard from someone at work on Sunday that the temperatures this week were going to be in the 90’s with 85% humidity, so the heat index was going to be 102.

Well…

…when I heard what came out of their mouth, it really sounded like they said, “Starting tomorrow it’s going to feel as though you’re spending seven days in hell, while Satan is rubbing HOT COALS all over your naked body; dangling a glass of ice cold water one inch from your dry, parched lips and telling you that you can’t have it.”

I knew that for the whole week I would most likely be acting like a menopausal rhinoceros because my whole personality changes when I’m hot.

Truthfully, I can get very short tempered and have been known to exclaim the words, “BITE ME!”

Monday morning when I woke up I discovered I was out of coffee, so I had to walk to the drug store around the corner to get some Maxwell House. And I could tell, even at 9 a.m. that the day was going to be hellacious.

It was close to three o’clock by the time I finally got outside to run some errands. And the second I opened the front door of my apartment building the hot, humid air hit me in the face like a heavy wet blanket that had been soaking inside an Italian hoagie.

Something wonderful happens in the city when it gets hot and humid.

It smells like onioned arm pits.

Such a lovely aroma.

Anyway….

…by the time I finished walking only four blocks, my clothes were soaking wet and my forehead was dripping salty sweat into my burning eyes. I felt like I wanted to throw myself in front of moving Septa bus.

I tried walking close to the buildings, so I would be shaded from the sun by the awnings, but apparently everyone else had the same idea because I kept bumping into sweaty onion people who were trying to HOG that side of the pavement.

Well, needless to say I did NOT accomplish all my errands on Monday. I decided to split them into two days, so I could evenly distribute my heat torture.

Tuesday, I saved for a long hot walk to the grocery store. And about half way back to my apartment building; carrying two bags of heavy groceries, I suddenly wanted to SCREAM out like the Wicked Witch of the West…..