Wednesday, September 02, 2009

Self-Improvement and the Circle

Today I would like to share something about my journey to self-improvement.

And by self-improvement I’m not referring to a lifestyle improvement, such as, getting a better job, losing weight, or any other tactile improvement. I am solely referring to the journey I took to improving my inner-self.

I have personally learned that there is a big difference between investigating ways to improve my relationship with myself, and wanting to improve myself with the intention that there is something wrong with me.

It was back in 80’s when I began my intensive search for ways to improve.

I took every class I could get my hands on that had anything to do with making me a more improved Ron. I took yoga and meditation. I read countless books on how to change myself, and how to become a more better me. I listened to subliminal audio tapes affirming: “I had the power within me to improve myself .”

And I can’t say that these things didn‘t work, because they did.

I had gradually become all the things I wanted myself to be. And everything I didn’t like about myself disappeared.

And then I began to notice that a great deal of what I improved about myself, began to slowly creep back into my inner-life. I seemed to have made a complete circle back to what I didn’t like about myself.

So, I looked for new ways to improve. I found classes on how to get rid of anger, how to void myself of judgment, how to be more forgiving, and how to be more patient.

And again…all of these things worked by bringing me back to the beginning.

However, this time I began to get frustrated because I seemed incapable of sustaining what I thought needed improvement. I became so frustrated that I finally got to the point of not even caring anymore if whether or not I was improved.

And that’s exactly the point I needed to get to.

Because eventually something finally dawned on me….

What if….there wasn’t anything to improve?

What if….I was exactly the way I was supposed to be?

What if….the real meaning of self-improvement was self-acceptance. And through self-acceptance, I find improvement?

You see, I could never get past the belief that there was something wrong with me. Therefore, I could never really improve my relationship with self. And all the tools I used to improve myself did what they were suppose to do.

Bring me back to myself.

The truth is…I am basically the same person now, that I was in 80’s.

I still have a temper. I’m still unforgiving, judgmental, and impatient.

However, I now accept these things as being a part of myself, because I realize that sometimes I choose my anger, to make a point. Sometimes I choose to be unforgiving because some things are unforgivable to me. Sometimes I choose to be judgmental because it allows me discernment. And sometimes I choose to be impatient, to get the ball rolling.

I still mediate and do yoga. But it’s no longer with the intention to move away from myself.

It’s to move closer.

I no longer read systematic self-improvement books. I now prefer to read books about people who share the tremendous struggles and challenges they’ve had to deal with in their lives, and what they did to accept themselves as they went through it.

The best self-improvement I’ve discovered for my own life is this…

Embrace all of me.

Because in doing so…I self-improve.