Tie Tying 101



For my male readers, I know you will understand what I’m about to share on this post.

For my female readers, I sincerely know that you experience your own frustrations when it comes to dressing and having to put on pantyhose, a bra, styling your hair, and applying makeup. Not to mention having to select the coordinating shoes, handbag, and jewelry accessories.

So for you ladies, I ask that you simply read this and say, “ Oooooh…..you poor baby. I feel sooo sorry for you.”

Saturday morning while getting ready for work, I got to the point of total insanity while trying to tie my tie properly.

After thirty-something years of doing this, I can normally tie my ties blindfolded without ever having to concentrate on how to do it. However, on this particular morning I felt like a 54 year old virgin learning how to tie for the first time.

Perhaps it’s because I was in a hurry, or perhaps it was the cause of a full moon and that mercury was retrograding and shitting over my fourth house in Libra, but it took me FOUR attempts to tie the damn thing.

For some reason I couldn’t get the front and back of the tie to line up evenly.

The first time I tried, the front of the tie was hanging so low it was literally touching my crotch.

I looked like one of those Barnum and Bailey circus clowns.

Then the second time I tried, the back of the tie was hanging about 3 inches below the front of the tie.

Which looked as though someone had taken a pair of scissors and cut off 3 inches from the front.

I did this over again two more times until I thought I wanted to commit suicide by taking the tie and STRANGLING myself with it.

I ended up getting so frustrated, I started sweating like a pig and huffing and puffing like wild bull, while spitting and screaming horrible obscenities through the mirror at my tie.

One of which was…..

“YOU MOTHER FUCKING BASTARD!!!”

But after the fourth try, I finally got the thing tied properly.

And guess what?

It only took me twenty minutes and aged me ten more gray hairs and facial wrinkles to do something that should have taken me ONE minute.

In case this ever happens to me again, I’ve decided that I will buy myself a few emergency clip-on ties, like the one’s I use to wear in Catholic grammar school when I was a little boy.

So all I have to do is simply clip that sucker on…..and GO!




What do ya think?

40 comments

  1. You'll create a new fad like that, I just know it!

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  2. The early Monday morning, I thought you wrote "Tie Dying 101" and wondered WTF you'd done over the weekend!

    I couldn't tie a tie to save my life so let's here it for clip-on's! Or bolo's! LOL

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  3. I think if Justin can bring sexy back then you can bring clip ons back

    I often forget how to apply mascara

    my hand/eye coordination will dsappear and I will take on the appearance of a rabid raccoon

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  4. Aloha Debi!

    Hey, maybe you're right!

    I'll have to look for it in GQ within the next few months.

    *and I hope they give me credit for it!

    (Ronnie Armani)

    HAHAHAHAHHHA!

    Great seeing ya, Deb!

    Thanks for dropping by!

    Love to you and Mama!
    XX

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  5. Howdy Nitebyrd!

    HAHAHAHHAAHHAHAHA!

    Oh, that's so funny!

    Actually, after reading the title again, I could see that!

    oooo...bolo's! I totally forgot about those.

    And do you remember when men wore something called a dickie?

    *and not the one between their legs, either.

    Bwhahahaahahaha!

    Always great seeing ya, Sis!

    Thanks for dropping by!

    Have a great Monday!
    X

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  6. Howdy Dianne!

    my hand/eye coordination will dsappear and I will take on the appearance of a rabid raccoon...

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

    OMG...I LOVE YA!

    Funny you mentioned Justin because he just recenting did all the ad campaigns for a new men's fragrance and so many ladies are purchasing it for their boyfriend's, knowing they'll smell like him!!

    HA!

    Thanks for dropping by, dear lady.

    Hope you're having a great day!

    Love to you, Hope, Mia and Siren!

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  7. Hey Ron!!


    We're TWINS!! I, too, cuss to myself when I am frustrated at something I am doing/or trying to do but can't... It's so funny... Like it's going to hear me and do the right thing.. hehe!!
    I think the "clip on" tie is DEFINITELY the right way to go... Soooo much easier... Now, if I could just have a "clip on" everything... : )
    Hugs to you and Happy Monday!
    Leesa

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  8. Bonjour Leesa!

    OMG...if anyone TRULY heard the profanity that comes out of my mouth while being frustrated, I think their ears would wither and fall off!

    HAHAHAHAHAHA!

    I got so frustrated with the tie that I formed STEAM on the mirror!

    tee, hee!

    ALways great to see ya, Leesa!

    Happy, Happy Monday to ya!

    XOXOXOXO

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  9. You told us to say.....

    “ Oooooh…..you poor baby. I feel sooo sorry for you.”

    So there, I said it.

    ;)

    If I can avoid pantyhose by wearing dress pants and knee highs I'm soooooo much happier.
    Makeup, I've told you before... I throw my bag up in the air, run under it, and VOILA... instant FACE! LOL
    Thank gawd I don't have to figure out how to tie a tie. And hubs is in charge of teaching our son.

    Have an absolutely marvey wonderous week. :)

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  10. LOLOLOL! Back in the day when I was Victor, I used to wear a tie, I loooove men's clothing. dear gosh, on a man, i love a man in a suit, aahhh, what was i saying....

    oh i used to wear a tie, in a womanly kind of way though and i could tie it too, never had to use a clip on - that's crazy for a woman.

    but funny post ron, as always. you go on with your clip on self. sometimes i wish i could wear cut out clothes and just fold back the tabs over my body and be good to go. remember the dolls that had clothes with tabs?

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  11. Hiya Crystal Chick!

    Oooh...you poor baby. I feel sooo sorry for you!

    YOU GO, GIRL!

    Makeup, I've told you before... I throw my bag up in the air, run under it, and VOILA... instant FACE!

    HAHAHAHHAAHHAHA!

    Too, funny!

    As you know, I played a woman once in a musical and ever since then I KNOW what it's like to wear pantyhose!!!

    Thanks for dropping by today, M!

    Always a pleasure!

    And don't you just love the affects of a full moon? I've never waited on more strange customers in my life this past weekend!

    Enjoy your week, neighbor!

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  12. Hey Valerie/Victor!

    How are ya, girl?

    It's so great to see ya back!

    sometimes i wish i could wear cut out clothes and just fold back the tabs over my body and be good to go. remember the dolls that had clothes with tabs?

    Bwhahahahahahaha!

    Oh dear god...that's HYSTERICAL!

    And actually a GREAT idea!

    YES...I do remember paper dolls. I use to enjoy playing with my sisters - tee, hee!

    Hey, listen...I agree with you. I think a woman in a man's suit looks totally SEXY. In fact, you may remember that I wrote a blog post about that.

    Thank you for stopping by, Val!

    Hope you had a great time on your vacation.

    Looking forward to reading you this week!

    Sincerely,
    Mr. Clip-on
    X

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  13. I can not tie a tie either....

    I remember my male cousins, taking their ties off carefully by just losing them a bit and pulling it over their heads so as not to untie it... and then next Sunday putting it back over their head and tightening it.... maybe you can do that too!

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  14. "Mercury was retrograding and shitting over my fourth house in Libra"!!! Oh, God Ron....you kill me...every. single. time......!
    "Oh, you poor thing....I feel....." (gets distracted...pats Ron's back absently, whilst sipping from her wine glass & sneaking a glimpse at Entertainment Tonight) "It'll all work out...just remember to wear protection..."
    What? Different subject?? Sorry.
    Ron, dahling...have you EVER put on a bra? I mean, seriously??

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  15. Hi La La La Leah!

    OMG...you just reminded me of something!!!

    I use to do that SAME THING with my tie's when I was a kid!!!

    My dad will always tie it on me first, and then I after using it, I would hang it in my closet REAL careful, so I could use it the following Sunday!!

    GREAT idea, Leah!

    And it'll save me having to go INSANE the next time!

    HA!

    Great seeing ya, my friend!

    Hope you had a MARVI day!

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  16. Hellooooooo Kathryn!

    OMG..I think mercury was shitting over my Libra house all weekend!

    It's been the STRANGEST past three days - I feel like everyone (including myself) is on thr verge of INSANITY. Everyone on the city streets looks like a werewolf!

    HAHHAHAHHAA!

    And YES (believe it or not) I HAVE tried putting on a BRA! I had to wear one in a show I was once in. That's how I know what you ladies have to go through!

    Thanks for dropping by my wild New York friend!

    AAAAAALWAYS so good to see ya!

    I'll be by your place right after I take my nightly shower!

    Hope you're enjoying that WINE!

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  17. I still have to tie them for my son. He's been known to show up at work when one of the ones I had pre-tied for him come undone.

    Ya know...those clip on ones can be down right sexy...don'tcha think? :)

    Must have been a long day at work because I read the title and thought we were doing the whole Jerry Garcia / Greatful Dead thang too!

    Love you bunches, handsome. Clip on or not!

    xoxo
    ~vk~

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  18. This is the same drama I have when putting on a scarf and finding some inventive way of crafting it on my neck. Perhaps, this is why I almost never wear them anymore. I feel for you. Well, not really considering all of the crap we women have to accessorize ourselves with just to look well put together. Don't hate me for my lack of compassion.

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  19. Hello Vixen Kitten!

    It's SOOOO wonderful to see ya, dear one!

    I read the title and thought we were doing the whole Jerry Garcia / Greatful Dead thang too!

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA!

    Apparently this title has caused several of my readers to think they were about to read something else.

    Oh, how cute that still tie your son's tie! What a great mom you are!

    Yeah, you're right...those clip-ons can be downright SEXY. Especially when you have to RIP it off real fast while having sex!

    Bwhahahahaha!

    Thanks so much for dropping by, Miss Kitten!

    Hope all is fabulous with your new job.

    Love to you and Honey Girl!

    xoxoxoxo

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  20. Hiya Jen!

    Don't hate me for my lack of compassion...

    No way, because I totally agree with you. Women have it MUCH more challenging when it comes to getting dressed, hands down.

    OMG...I love when a woman wears a scarf. Scarves always remind me of Lana Turner because that was her Hollywood signature.

    So classy!

    Hope you had a great day, Jen!

    Thanks a bunch for dropping by!

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  21. Such language! I use MF when I'm fed up, too.

    I think you should wear bow ties.

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  22. ron dear~
    you tried four**** times to tie your tie? are you kidding?? do you know that women try everything on at least once extra just to see if it will fit, match or not, make us look too fat, too thin-well scratch that, too pink/yellow/purple/black/, too fancy, too dowdy too too too too too...really ron, next time come to me with a real wardrobe malfunction! and look what I can do > ♥
    xoxoxo
    love you muches

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  23. Hiya Chrissy!

    Isn't MF the BEST?

    It expresses the perfect feeling when fed up!

    However, we're probably going straight to hell.

    Oh well...see ya there!

    HAHAHAHAHAHA!

    Thanks for stopping by, my MF friend!

    X

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  24. Hellooooooo Linda!

    First of all I need to know HOW and WHERE you got that adorable little heart on your comment????

    ooo...ooo...I want one too!

    And yes, my friend...I definitely know that you females have MUCH MORE to contend with than us males.

    Dressing as a man is SOOOOOOOO much easier.

    But dressing as a woman is SOOOOO much prettier!

    tee, hee!

    Thanks SOOOO much for stopping by and sharing your little heart on this comment, dear friend!

    Hope you're feeling better and that you had a wonderful day!

    {{{{{ Linda }}}}}
    xoxooxx

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  25. I feel your pain, fashion accessories can be a real terror when you're wasting time perfecting them. It's perfectly natural to swear at objects that are, unbeknownst to themselves, faulty when they do you wrong.


    I actually got sooo frustrated from the incredibly horrible circumstances of today (my car wouldnt start, i couldnt make it to work, and my boss threatened to "document" my mistake) that when I saw a spider crawling on the floor of my kitchen, I TOO swore at it. Before stomping it.

    "F*** YOU, ARACHNID!"

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  26. Greetings Reality Aslyum!

    Welcome...thanks for stopping by and sharing a comment. Nice to meet you!

    Hey, I LOVE your name!

    It sounds alot like me!

    HA!

    Hey...I have a horrible fear of spiders, so I don't blame you for swaring at it. I use to live in Florida and the spider population runs wild there. Thank god I had two cats who use to take care of them for me!

    Hope everything works out with your car tomorrow.

    Please drop by anytime!

    Enjoy your evening.

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  27. “YOU MOTHER FUCKING BASTARD!!!”

    LOVED your post, I was laughing out loud all bymyself, neighbors are confirming my insanity as we speak! I think my brother still has his clip on from our catholic school fiasco if you're intersted? Enjoy your day and don't forget to breath!

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  28. You do seem like the type who is ahead of the curve on the next new "fashion trend" Love It!

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  29. Hey Ronnie,

    OK; compassionate hug/pat in order xxx.
    It makes me all wonder how this custom of knotting a piece of cloth around the neck ever started in the first place.

    I think it is an art to be able to knot them. I don't know "zilch" myself, so don't coming running to me !!

    Was your Dad once of these men who wore a tie all day, including to the dinner table?Mine had a regulation Navy tie when he needed to but that's all ! He lived most of his life without.

    So stay cool and don't get yourself too "tied up in knots" !!
    Hugs xxxxoooo

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  30. Good Morning Brndoutw8tress!

    *as I breath deeply.....

    I've been known to have the mouth of Joan Crawford when I lose it.

    !@!**?!!!#!

    HA!

    Hey, listen...tell your brother if he still has a few of those clip-ons, NOT to get rid of them...he may one day NEED them!

    Always FUN seeing ya, my friend!

    Thanks for dropping by.

    Happy Tuesday to ya!

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  31. Hello Funny Girl!

    Yeah...I'm just a regular TREND setter!!!

    Just call me the next Tom Ford!

    HAHAHAHAHAHA!

    Great seeing ya, FG!

    Thank you for stopping by.

    Enjoy your day!

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  32. Bonjour Barbara!

    Thanks for the HUG, my friend!

    I feel much better now because it seems that my "tie tying" skills have returned - I've had no mess up's since last Saturday.

    Actually...I have no idea where this custom originated from - that's a good question. I need to google that!

    No, my Dad never wore a tie to the dinner table, but he was very particular about the way he dressed. Sharp dresser he was.

    Always vunderbar seeing ya, my Philly friend!

    Thank you for dropping by.

    oooo...and I wanted to let you know that I got your package in the mail yesterday. I'll be emailing you in a minute!

    Have a great day, Barb!

    xoxoxoxo

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  33. I used to have to wear a tie as part of my school uniform. I never undid the knot I just slipped it along until I could get it over my head and the same in the morning! LOL

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  34. The length of both is an art to make sure the front is the right length and then the other part is science getting the corners of the tie to hit right at the belt loop.

    Or was the science-art thing the other way around?

    I have had to take the skinny end before and "rig" it through the loop (label) on the back of the wide part of the tie.... I am sure there are names for these tie parts in some fashion magazine that I never read... but I can fully understand the frustration.

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  35. Hi Akelamalu!

    Oh WOW...you wore a TIE as part of your school uniform??

    How COOL!

    In my grammer school the girls wore a dress with a white shirt, knee socks, and a little beanie on the crown of their head.

    The boys jwore black slacks, a white dress shirt and a green CLIP-ON TIE!

    Thanks for stopping by, m' dear!

    Hope you enjoyed your weekend.

    Can't wait to read all about it!

    X

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  36. Howdy Tom!

    an art to make sure the front is the right length and then the other part is science getting the corners of the tie to hit right at the belt loop.

    You said it!

    And that's the trouble I was having with the damn thing on Saturday.

    I have had to take the skinny end before and "rig" it through the loop (label) on the back of the wide part of the tie...


    Me too! But I think that's the whole purpose of loop label. At least that's what I use it for.

    I don't even use a tie clip anymore - which I should, because my tie just FLIES around all day!

    HA!

    Hey...you're my only male reader who commented on this post.

    Thanks, bud!

    Hope you had a great day, Tom!

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  37. Having an upsidedown world sucks.

    But as I catch up on things I missed-- lemme say this:

    “ Oooooh…..you poor baby. I feel sooo sorry for you.”

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  38. Hi Ron! This post seriously had me LMAO. Sometimes I am the same way with eyeliner! ;o)

    Anyway I don't have anything overly unique or original to post - I just wanted to tell you how much I enjoyed this post, and how much I enjoy your blog in general.

    Keep up the great work! Talk to you soon..

    ~Penny

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  39. Hiya Mel!

    HA!

    Having an upsidedown world sucks...

    You said it, dear lady!

    Thanks for your sympathy.

    X ya!

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  40. Hiya Picture Imperfect!

    Sometimes I am the same way with eyeliner!...

    SEE!...I know you ladies have it challenging too! Even more so than us dudes.

    Thank you for stopping by and for your sweet and encouraging words.

    You're a dear heart!

    Enjoy your day!

    ReplyDelete