Monday, November 15, 2010

The perfect solution for screaming cell phone users

As most of you already know, I don’t own a cell phone.

Yeah, I can just hear recent readers gasping, “WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DON’T OWN A CELL PHONE….HOW DO YOU EXIST?”

Easy….I just don’t have one.

And since I’m not a doctor, lawyer, or Oprah Winfrey, I don’t require a cell phone for any type of immediate emergency.

If someone can’t get hold of me at home, then they can leave a message on my voice mail and I’ll call them back ASAP.

Plain and simple.

However, there was a time when I DID own a cell phone in lieu of a landline phone because it was actually cheaper for long distance phone calls. Yet, now with the all-inclusive long distance deals they offer on home phones, I got rid my cell phone years and year ago. Like back in 2001.

The thing I really dislike about using a cell phone is the uncertainty of getting a clear and uninterrupted connection. I can’t stand talking to someone on a phone while our conversation is muffled and going in and out as if we’re talking under water on a CB radio. And god forbid you lose your signal, it’s like you suddenly entered the Twilight Zone and your conversation is floating around in mid-sentence somewhere in outer space; waiting to get reconnected. That drives me absolutely crazy.

I'm not a big phone talker as it is, so if I have to talk on the phone....I want it to be as clear and easy as possible.

But above all, the thing I most dislike about cell phones is the lack of privacy and having to hear a great many people hanging their dirty laundry in public. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard people talking about things they should be discussing in total privacy.

And in a soundproof room.

And wearing a straitjacket.

While chewing on VALIUM.

I mean if you're going to have a SCREAMING argument with your wife, at least have the decency to wait until you're home, not while walking down the city streets during 5:00 rush hour pedestrian traffic, so that we can ALL hear about how she cheated on you with a 23-year old cashier at Burger King.

However, the other day I finally came up with the perfect solution for screaming cell phone users…

Now SCREAM all you want!!!!