My Nostrils Runneth Over With Hares

No sooner do I trim and coif the hair in my nostrils, two or three days later I once again have what appears to be two little bunny rabbits growing out of my schnozzola.

It’s strange, because as the hair on my head recedes, the hair in my nose seems to precede.

I’ve nicknamed my nose, Busch Gardens.

Last week at work while I was waiting on a customer, I kept feeling a little “tickle” on the side of my right nostril. And the whole time I’m talking to the customer, I repeatedly flicked my index finger over the tip of my nose; trying to indiscreetly scratch it without making it seem as though I was picking a boogie.

After the customer made their purchase and left the store, I ran to the nearest mirror to investigate what was going on with my nose.

And guess what I saw?

I saw a LONG dark gray hair protruding from my right nostril.

OH. MY. GOD.

All I could think about was what the customer must have been thinking, while I was selling them a BEAUTY product with a hair sticking out of my nose that looked like a 4 inch iron carpentry nail.

How FREAKIN’ embarrassing was that?

The only thing I could think to do was to daintily stuff it back inside my nostril until I got home.

The second I got inside my apartment that evening, I ran to the bathroom, grabbed my nose hair scissors and CLIPPED that sucker out.

It must have weighed about 10 pounds because when the hair hit the sink, I actually heard a “clink” sound.

Anyway….

My abundant nose hair agenda seems to be getting worse every year. And summertime seems to make them grow like weeds.

Which leaves me with one aggressive alternative solution.

Gardening tools…..

And if that doesn’t work, I can always try this…..

Just call me……Pippi Longstocking

Looking at the Positive Side of Summer

As you all know, I hate summer.

And I don’t mean dislike, or don’t prefer, or don’t enjoy.

I actually mean the word HATE.

No, wait, allow me to be more specific. I hate what the summer brings….HEAT. The type of heat that makes me feel as though I’m taking a 3 month sauna in HELL.

While most people are out dancing in the streets; exclaiming how wonderful it is to be summer, I am sheltering myself indoors like Count Dracula, peering through closed mini blinds; waiting until 9 p.m. for the sun to finally go down, so I can step out of my cool, dark coffin and begin enjoying my day.

Normally every year, I write one summer bitch post about how much physical torture I'm suffering at this time.

However, I’ve decided to focus on the positive side of summer this year, by sharing two things I love about this season.

#1 - The bountiful and delicious selection of fresh produce.

You should have seen me on Wednesday afternoon in Trader Joe's. I was like a kid in a toy store, grabbing every cold, watery fruit and vegetable I could get my hands on.

I also discovered these adorable little Persian cucumbers that came in a six-pack.

I’ve never seen a cucumber that small before, except on a guy I once dated when I lived in Florida.

*you do the math

By the time I got to the check out counter, I looked like Farmer Ron with my grocery basket filled to the brim with produce.

For the past three days I’ve been predominately eating produce with my veggie burgers and some hummus, because when it’s this hot I have to eat light.

And let’s not even talk about all the H20 I’m drinking to replenish the fluid in body after sweating all day. I feel like a camel storing up water in both my humps.

#2 - Luigi’s Lemon Italian Ice.

I found this product at Super Fresh earlier this month and have become addicted.

It is to DIE FOR!

You have no idea how delicious and thirst-quenching it is on a super hot day. I sometimes enjoy it with lightly salted pretzels.

Delizioso!

So, there you have it folks.

My summer semi-non bitch post, as I’m trying to focus on the positive side of this RETCHED-ASS season.

Didn’t I do fairly good?

However, I still can’t wait for this……….

Wishing you a super COOL weekend everyone!

X

Viagra for Women?

First, I want to say, I hope you Madame's and Monsieur's had a super week.

I miss ya’ll terribly.

Needless to say, my week in retail was exhausting, long, and chaotic. However, you would have been so proud of me because I didn't even have the slightest urge to tell an annoying customer to sit on a hot curling iron and spin like I did during this past Christmas retail season.

Now that means I'm either getting more patient or that I'm learning how to say, "BITE ME" with just my eyes.

Luckily, there was also a lot of laughter and frivolity amongst my co-workers and I in order to keep us sane. Part of that had to do with the fact that we were eating bags of Animal Crackers, chocolate, and drinking coffee during our 9-10 hour work shifts.

This is known as “Mandatory Holiday Retail Sustenance.”

One of the women I work with told me about a hilarious video she saw about Viagra for women on Jimmy Kimmel Live.

Can you believe I actually had to ask her, "Who the hell is Jimmy Kimmel??"

Not being someone who ever turns my TV on other than to watch a DVD rental, I had no idea who she was talking about until she said, "He's a late night talk show host, RON!!"

And after searching You Tube, I was finally able to find the actual Viagra video.

She was right....it was freakin' HILARIOUS!

Curiosity got the best of me, so I spent the evening googling the Internet, "does Viagra really work for woman?" and found this on Go Ask Alice.

Apparently, Viagra does not have the identical effect on women as it does on men, because of one obvious reason....

However, let's try to imagine if it did.

Take a good HARD look.......




You GO, ladies!

What Makes a Dad

The sweet image you see above is from Herman Turnip, author of Terrible Analogies.

This is a photograph of he and his son Tyler, hanging out together; watching TV.

When I saw this photo posted on Hermans' blog, I felt like it totally epitomized the essence of a fathers' love. So, I asked him if I could share it on my Father’s Day post, and he graciously consented.

Thank you, Herman!

For me, there is nothing more touching than seeing a father with child. It is a beautiful combination of strength and gentleness.

Whenever I think of a fathers' love, I see a male lion with both his strong protective instinct, and his ability to also be tender and caring.



Here is a poem I found on the Internet, that truly defines what makes a dad.

What Makes A Dad

God took the strength of a mountain,

The majesty of a tree,

The warmth of a summer sun,

The calm of a quiet sea,

The generous soul of nature,

The comforting arm of night,

The wisdom of the ages,

The power of the eagle's flight,

The joy of a morning in spring,

The faith of a mustard seed,

The patience of eternity,

The depth of a family need,

Then God combined these qualities,

When there was nothing more to add,

He knew His masterpiece was complete,

And so, He called it ... Dad

~Author unknown ~

I know it’s a bit early, but I would like to take this time to wish all you wonderful men out there, a Happy Father’s Day.

Please know that you are loved and appreciated, and that you make a powerful imprint on the hearts and lives of your children.

I would like to close this post by sharing a TV commercial I found on You Tube, that made me laugh my ass off. Notice the subtle expressions on the father and sons’ face - they’re priceless.

*please turn your speaker volume up.

HAPPY FATHER’S DAY, GUYS!

Note: Since I will be working additional hours this week, I’ve decided to take the week off from blogging. I look forward to seeing everyone next Monday. Have a great week, peeps….X

Living in the Northeast

Even if the most renown psychic predicted that one day I would be moving back to the northeast, I think I’d have to tell them they must be using a broken deck of Tarot Cards.

I was originally born here in Pennsylvania, then moved to Florida for 20 years, then moved back to the northeast 9 years ago.

When my family moved to Florida in 1973, I was ecstatic. I had always dreamed of living some place tropical, where the sun shined almost 24/7 and the cold harsh winters were void.

I became what you could call, a sun bunny.

I would sit on the beach for 5-6 hours, while lying on a silver mat that reflected the suns’ rays in order to keep my perpetual Malibu Ken tan.

(I currently have a Casper the Ghost tan)

I can honestly say that when my family moved to Florida, I had no intention of ever moving back to the northeast because I had found my nirvana.

Yet, it’s funny how things we feel passionate about will sometimes change. And then change again.

I thoroughly enjoyed my time in Florida. In fact, I remember it as being one of the most wonderful times in my life. Somehow moving to Florida brought me out of my childhood shell, where my personality came out of hiding and my creativity came into fruition. It was as if all that glorious sunshine caused me to internally blossom.

Florida was a very positive move for me, and I’m so grateful for it.

However, about 5 years before I left, I began to feel restless, tired, and stifled. I also became incredibly intolerant of the heat. My body seemed to go through a complete turnaround, where the constant sunshine and heat was physically painful.

Whenever I looked at photographs and movies that were shot or filmed anywhere in the northeast, I felt a deep sense of melancholy.

Of belonging.

So, in 2001 I moved back, and I‘m so glad I did. I’m crazy about the state of Pennsylvania, and the northeast in general.

I love it’s diverse terrain. It’s seasonal changes. It’s richness in history. The rawness of it’s cities.


Perhaps it’s simply because I was born in this part of the United States that I feel this way. Or perhaps it now reflects where I’m at internally.

I once read a book written by an astrologer, who claimed that every place in the world resonates with a particular kind of energy, and that we will sometimes feel a strong internal pull to that area, because the energy of that place resonates with our own personal energy.

And I believe that to be true.

I also believe that as we grow and change throughout our lives, different places will feed and nurture us with what we need at that time.

And for me, right now….it’s here.

Wishing you a beautiful weekend everyone!

X

Touched by The Anne Frank House

I think it’s utterly amazing how sometimes in our lives we’ll experience something; not ever realizing it will contribute to an experience in our unseen future.

Back in the mid 70’s, while performing a musical review in Amsterdam, Holland, I had the opportunity to take a tour of The Anne Frank House.

Sure, I had read The Diary of Anne Frank in grammar school, however the story didn’t affect me as deeply, until I was actually in the place where it happened.

Walking though the house was like taking a voyage in a time machine, transporting me back in history where I could actually feel the paralyzing fear, courage, and heart-break, as it lingered in the air like a heavy blanket of emotional memories; never to be forgotten.

I literally found it difficult to breathe.

Outside of occasionally hearing someone weep, the tour was virtually silent. It was as if we were walking through a place of sacredness, unable to put into words what we were feeling.

It was incomprehensible to me how these eight people lived in such a small space for over two years.

A rear view of The Anne Frank House (the Annex window on the roof).

The bookcase hiding the Secret Annex.

I can remember walking through this doorway; feeling chills.

Anne’s room, which she share with Mr. Dussel (the dentist).

Anne collected photographs of movie stars, which she glued on the wall in her room.

A closer view of the wall. Notice the photograph of actress Norma Shearer on the lower right-hand corner. Norma was one of Anne’s favorite movie stars at the time.

I recall walking through the room and gently running my left hand over the glass-sealed wall; knowing at one time Anne Frank had touched that wall.

An open page of the actual diary of Anne Frank.

Now, what’s really incredible about this story is that 20 something years later, I was cast in a professional theatrical production of the play, The Diary of Anne Frank. I portrayed Mr. Dussel, the man who shared a room with Anne. And can I just tell you how honored and reverent I felt, portraying a real-life person who was a part of this amazing story.

This was one of those times in my career that was Divinely orchestrated.

Because every night before the curtain went up, all I had to do was remember what it was like to walk through that house in Amsterdam….

and I was there.

"Despite everything, I believe that people are really good at heart." ~ Anne Frank

I'm a Twizzler Smuggler

Tuesday I had the day off, so I took myself to a movie.

It was incredibly hot that day, so you have no idea how content I was to sit inside a dark movie theater, enjoying the ice cold air conditioner for two hours.

It felt so great to get out of the 93 degree heat with a 150,000 % humidity index.

If this weather is any indication of what the summer is going to be like in the northeast, I may have to put myself out of my misery and lie face down in the street, while a steam roller backs over me.

If anyone reading this blog is living in a part of the world that is experiencing Winter right now, I will gladly do an exchange student program with you. You can bring your flip-flops, while I bring my snow boots, okay?

Anyway, getting back to this story…..

As you all know, the price of a movie ticket has almost increased to a down payment on a mansion. And yet, what’s ironic is that the square footage of most movie theaters have gradually decreased to the size of a port-o-potty.

And I wonder….do you think they could possibly get the seats any smaller or uncomfortable? It feels like I’m sitting in a hard, tiny Barbie doll chair.

Do you remember when movie theater seats were all cushy and rocked?

And do you also remember when there was such a thing as matinee priced tickets?

Oh, the good old days!

Twizzlers are my favorite candy to eat in a movie theater. There is something so therapeutic about chewing on a bag of artificially flavored strawberry plastic strips, while watching a film. Especially if it’s a scary film because the chewing gives me something to do with my tension.

Since I’m frugal and don’t want to spend $12.00 on a movie ticket and another $40.00 on a pack of concession stand Twizzlers, I will stop by the drug store before going to the theater and purchase a family size bag for only $1.50.

Then what I do, is cleverly STUFF them down the front of my pants. Not only is this an inconspicuous way to get them inside the theater, but it’s also an ideal way for me to watch the reactions on peoples faces when they look at my crotch and mistaken me for a PORN star.

Once I get inside the theater and find a seat, I slide my legs forward and then discreetly reach inside my pants and WHIP them out.

(the Twizzlers, I mean)

By this time they’re nice and soft; easy to chew. So, I sit back in my tiny, uncomfortable seat and enjoy the movie.

So there you have it folks…I confess.

I’m a Twizzler smuggler.

But, you have to admit. At least I know how to PACK em’…..

This gives a whole new meaning to the brand Dickie Jeans, doesn’t it?

Wishing you a Twizzler of a weekend everyone!

X

Yoga....bend me, shape me, anyway you want me

When I first heard about yoga, I naively assumed it meant I would sit cross legged, wearing a festive turban and clanking little gold cymbals while chanting, “Ommmmmmmmm” for a few minutes; quickly becoming a more enlightened being.

Brother, was I wrong.

I began practicing yoga in the late 80's. I started with Hatha Yoga and then tried various other styles.

It’s not that I’m a die hard yoga practitioner, but I do find that if I make time to practice it even just a few times a week, I feel better.

What’s illusory about yoga is that some of the poses appear rather easy and simple, however once you try them you discover how commanding and potent they are.

Yoga is not only about the body, but more so how the body, mind, and spirit work together.

When the three are in balance they create a “wholeness.”

Yoga is like taking a never ending journey, because wholeness is never permanent.

I’ve been very blessed with a naturally flexible body, but that doesn’t mean the yoga poses are easy for me. It solely depends on the state of mind and spirit I’m in.

Sometimes while holding a pose, I will suddenly feel emotional and break into tears. That’s because yoga will bring up anything that’s been harboring inside me that has not been expressed. Other times, I just feel relaxed and flowing with the poses; almost in a state of meditation.

Without getting “too technical” about yoga, I would like to share one of my favorite poses because it seems to be a real challenge for me at times.

This is called The Tree Pose.

The tree pose is beneficial for grounding and also balancing both sides of the brain. There are some days when I can freely move into this pose and hold it for 5-10 minuets. Then, there are other days when my body rocks, shakes, and topples. Sometimes I can hold the pose on one leg easily, but the other leg is more difficult.

Which means I’m out of balance.

Yet, after patiently staying with the pose a bit longer, I will usually move into a stillness, feeling much more centered.

It never ceases to amaze me how effective yoga is.

When I first started practicing I use to take group classes, however now I just practice at home. One of the reasons is because I can do it whenever I want, and at my own pace.

The other reason is this…….

Because trust me….you'll definately sound enlightened!