Friday, December 02, 2011

On Ending Relationships

I owe my inspiration for this post to my blogging buddy, Brit at Blunt Delivery.

So thanks, Brit!...X

Last week, she shared a post about endings - and in particular, endings to relationships. Her words caused me to remember a time back in the 80’s when a relationship with my then partner came to an end.

Within her post, Brit asked some thought-provoking questions which I thought were very insightful as to what we often ask ourselves whenever a relationship is in question.

One of her questions was:

“So what determines whether you make it?”

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As most of you already know, back when I lived in NYC, I had a relationship with a man that lasted for five years.

And this was a relationship I had bet my life on would last forever.

However, it didn’t.

In fact, in the end, I was the one who ended it.

It would take too long to explain all the details of our relationship, yet what I can tell you is that our relationship was one of great passion. And I don’t mean just physical passion, I mean an overall passion that made our relationship beautiful, and at times, volatile.

We were like two magnets that were drawn to one another.

We loved each another with such an intensity, but at the same time we disagreed with that same intensity.

We were both much younger when our relationship came into being, so I know that the core of our struggles came from our lack of life experience.

He was three years older then I and had had prior relationships, therefore was more savvy in the ways of manipulation. I on the other hand had had no prior relationships, therefore threw myself into our union with total child-like abandonment; never concerning myself with mind-games. I believed that when you loved someone, there was nothing to hide or withhold. And I also believed in loyalty and commitment.

Let me say, that he was a very good-hearted person deep down and had many wonderful qualities, so I don’t wish to paint him as someone who was all negative. It’s just that he demanded so much. As attractive and talented as he was, he was as equally insecure. But, I never saw this until much later.

I took me years to realize that the reason for his many sexual indiscretions during our relationship was because he needed constant reassurance that he was attractive to the world.

And it took me years to also realize that for as much as he loved me, HIS existence would always be more important.

I tried to accept by overlooking the things I didn’t like, but then ended up resenting myself for accepting those things.

So I began to get vocal, and that’s when the friction commenced.

It was okay if I was passive, yet when I began to assert myself, he didn’t like it.

Our last six months together were a roller coaster ride of ups and downs; fighting, then making up.

In reality, we could both feel that an ending was inevitable, but we desperately clung to the love that connected us.

After one of our most heated arguments, when things got a tad physical, we both decided that a temporary separation over the summer would do us some good by clearing the air and then starting over.

I went back to Florida and stayed with my family for a few months. However, it was during that time when I was alone, I began to replay our five-year relationship over in mind and came to the conclusion that I no longer wanted to participate.

I realized that I had lost myself in our relationship.

My life became his life. I became the invisible man.

But I was as much responsible for that as he. Because I allowed it by not loving myself enough.

Therefore, if I wanted to continue in our relationship I knew I would have to accept it under his terms, and I didn’t want to.

I was exhausted.

So I ended it. Over the phone.

He was shocked.

Yet, as I shared with Brit in my comment on her post, he and I spoke again after 15 years of not seeing or speaking to one another. And our conversation was a very positive one because we both expressed how we remembered loving one another, and sincerely thanked each other for having been in one another’s lives because we learned something.

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Now back to Brits question: “So what determines whether you make it?”

God, I really don’t know the answer to that.

But I do know that after you’ve tried for five years to make it work by accepting the person for who they are, I think you can still love them, but also know when it’s time to move on because you realize that the things you were trying to accept about that person…..are just not acceptable.

So you make a choice.

And does that mean you didn‘t "make it" in the relationship?

No, I don’t think so. It just means you grew out of the relationship……

Have an AWESOME weekend everyone!

X