Monday, March 26, 2012

On Observing Myself

I took the photo you see above several months ago.

Isn’t it funny how you’ll sometimes take a photograph of something that catches your eye, but you’re not quite sure has to WHY you were drawn to take it?

Later, a life experience happens to you, and then you look at the photo again and suddenly realize that it perfectly matches the way you feel while having that life experience, after you took the photo.

And then it dawns on you that the image was precognitive of a lesson you were about to learn – again.

I’m sharing this post as a reminder to myself.

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In the past, I’ve written about the ebb and flow of life, and the importance of embracing and accepting them regardless of how challenging they are. However, even though I know and believe this I still find myself at times struggling.

And a perfect example of this is what just transpired with my mother.

I think it may be because of both the actor and writer in me that I can experience something, and at the same time stand to the side; watching me experience it.

I’m an observer. My natural tendency is to have an experience, and then automatically go into my ‘observation mode’, taking note of how I’m reacting to it. I believe that many of us who are artistic and creative have this ability because as an artist, we develop a ‘third eye’ that allows us to recreate the experience in detail through our art – whether it be acting, photography, painting, dance, or writing.

We artists often use our ‘life experiences’ to create our art.

And we do that through observation and feeling.

For the past few weeks, I’ve been observing myself, noticing how I react when my life or the life of someone I love, unexpectantly takes a turn down a path of the unknown.

I initially panic, because I suddenly feel out of control. My mind immediately starts projecting into the future; thinking of what might take place and how I’m going to handle it. Thoughts of the worst case scenarios creep into my mind.

Although, I inevitably realize that I can’t think myself through it, I have to live myself through it.

After I heard of my mothers’ diagnosis, I did in fact, panic. I worried for her, and in all honesty I worried for myself. Then several days later, I realized that in order for me to be of the most valuable help to both my mother and I, I needed to center myself and begin focusing on the light. And that’s not easy while you’re listening to someone over the phone struggle to breathe and talk.

Yet, after I began to focus on the light, everything seemed to fall into place. I found myself stronger, calmer, and more able to support my mother much better. I suddenly knew what to say and do, when I needed to say and do it.

Going through a challenging experience is very much like the photo above. It’s as if you’re walking down a dark alleyway. You can see a light at the end, but you’re not quite sure as to how you’re going to get to it.

So you just keep walking, allowing the journey to teach you what you need to learn.

And for me, it’s usually about my ability to surrender and have faith; trusting that I will have the means to move through it.

Realistically, I know that I can’t always control what happens in the way of life experiences, nor can I always be sure of the outcome. But I do know that if I accept and embrace them, even though it may seem dark at times, I will be always be supported and guided by light.

Always.



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Note: When I spoke to my mother over the weekend, she wanted me to convey to all of you how much she appreciated the prayers and light you sent her during a very dark and scary time. And she believes without a shadow of doubt, that it’s what carried her through. I’m happy to report that she’s doing miraculously well. So, THANK YOU from my mother.....X