Let's Talk About Toilet Paper


Do you remember when Charmin became the most popular toilet paper to use?

OMG…it was like the crème’de la crème of toilet tissue.

Remember those silly TV commercials where Mr. Whipple would scold the customers who were caught squeezing the Charmin, by always saying…

“Please don’t squeeze the Charmin!”

And then when nobody was looking, he would hypocritically begin to erotically squeeze the Charmin himself?

Well….I actually think that my father could have been Mr. Whipples’ understudy.

You see, when I was younger and still living at home, Charmin toilet paper was as mandatory a staple in our household, as salt and pepper. And god forbid if my mother came home with any other toilet paper besides Charmin, because my father would have a total conniption.

We always knew when my dad was taking a “poopie” because not only would the newspaper be missing, but we’d sometimes hear the sound of his BOOMING voice from behind the bathroom door….

“Jesus Christ, Ann, how many times do I have to tell you…I only want CHARMIN in this house!”

Whereupon, my mother would say, “I’m sorry Frank, but that toilet paper was on sale, so I thought I’d try it.”

“I don’t CARE if it was on sale…just spend the GODDAMN money on Charmin!”

“Ok, Frank.”

At which point, my mother and I would BURST out laughing.

My father was obsessed with Charmin and refused to use anything else.

Me? I use either Scotts brand or something similar. Usually CVS or Rite Aid has a store brand that comes very close to Scotts.

I don’t like using quilted toilet paper and I’ll tell you why…

First of all it’s a rip-off, because if you look at the amount of sheets you get on a quilted roll, compared to the amount of sheets you get on a roll of Scotts, it’s amazingly different. Scotts has 1000 sheets, while most of the quilted toilet paper has 200-250. One roll of Scotts has the same amount as four rolls of the other stuff, plus…I don’t have to keep changing the roll every hour.

I’m sorry, but if I’m going to spend a small fortune on what toilet paper costs these days, I want more wipes for my buck, or rather butt.

Oh, and listen to this…the other day I actually saw a toilet paper in the drug store that contained the added moisturizing ingredients of aloe vera and vitamin E.

WTF?

Excuse me…but I guess I didn’t realize that wiping my hide has suddenly turned into a spa treatment.

What’s next…some collagen and a clay mask?

And one more thing…

…maybe I’m using too much, but whenever I use the quilted toilet paper, my toilet always gets clogged and overflows.

And there’s something about an overflowing toilet that truly frightens me. To watch the water slowly rising to the rim, makes me feel like I‘m 6 years old again. I start to panic and then back away from the toilet; holding out my hands, screaming… “NO, NO…PLEASE STOP DOING THAT. GO AWAY. GO DOWN!!”

No sir, I’d much rather use a toilet paper that’s a lot more economical and a hell of a lot easier to flush.

Even though it may feel a tad bit rougher on my sphincter…..







42 comments

  1. I'm not sure what is funnier...the use of the word "conniption" or the image of the toilet horror when you flush and watch as the water level gets higher and higher...

    xox

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  2. Sorry buddy, BUTT I'm with your dad on this one. Give me soft and supple or give me death! (or something like that)

    Tell me you at least go for the two ply stuff. I've never understood the whole "one ply will save us money" theory. The hell it will I say. I just end up using twice as much.

    The extra fru-frus I can live without though.

    Maybe they'll come out with Buttox brand. It'll give you a nice round caboose with every wipe.

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  3. Hiya Hope!

    OMG...it's so funny that you mentioned the word conniption, because when I decided to use that word...I actually had to use spell check, because I could not for the life of me remember how to SPELL it!?!?!

    And it's word I suddenly remembered using a lot when I was a kid, for some reason.

    There's two things that STILL frighten me as an adult. One is an overflowing toilet, and the other is having to throw up. And I think it's ironic that they BOTH have to do with something coming UP!

    WTF?

    ALWAYS so great seeing ya here, Hope!

    Hey...you're my first comment! I just finished publishing this a few minutes ago!

    Thanks for stopping by!

    Have a great day!

    X

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  4. Howdy Jeff B!

    OMG...you KILL ME MAN!!!!!!!!!

    Buttox!

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

    Oh and YES!!!...of course I use 2ply. Scotts is 2 ply, but it's just not quilted, AND it has 1000 sheets!

    I use entirely too much toilet paper to use the other stuff. I'm either using it to wipe my hide, blow my nose, or shine my shoes.

    HAHAAHAHAHA!

    GREAT seeing ya, buddy!

    Thanks for stopping by and I love your new blog!!!!

    Later gator!

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  5. Uh, T.P. obsession must be a man thing, because a 4-roll pack lasts me FOREVER, and I use it to wipe small dog butts!
    When there was a smelly man living here, yes, he'd want the 100-pack roll. He had problems LOL. And he said his gem of a brother rolls the paper around his hand, mummy-style. Now I don't know about you, but I'd be too embarrassed to be purchasing such a gigantor pack of toilet paper, and worse yet...being seen hauling it out of the car...

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  6. Aloha Debi!

    OMG...OMG...OMG...I can't stop LAUGHING!!!

    You comment was a RIOT!!!!

    And he said his gem of a brother rolls the paper around his hand, mummy-style.

    HAAHAHAHAHAHA!

    And the thing about him buying the 100 pack roll KILLED ME!!!!

    And ya know I think you're right, it must be a "man thing." Because I always hear women say that their husband/boyfriend uses WAY much more toilet paper than they do!

    I don't know what happens to me when I start pulling that roll, but I go INSANE!

    Thank you SOOOOOOO much for your hysterical comment, Deb!

    You've got me laughing so hard, I won't be able to go to sleep!

    Always so great seeing ya!

    Hey, it's already way into tomorrow where you're at, so I'll just say....Have a great day!

    X

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  7. OK, now that I have settled down, stopped laughing like a lunatic and waking up dh, who is trying to go to sleep as I read your words, bad idea because you ALWAYS make me laugh like a lunatic, I have ONE little, 2 syllable french word for you...

    ready? no, that's not the word...

    B I D E T :D

    goodnight, ronnie, kisses..I will be dreaming of you and your new bidet! well, no, come to think, no no no no no!

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  8. Ron,
    You really gave me a lift this morning !
    It was "manice Monday" and I needed an injection of good humor.
    OMG; Mr Whipple ...Do I remember him? You bet your Charmin I do !!

    I don't think that my parents were so exclusive of their toilet paper. I Don't remember. That was really funny about your Dad's obsession !

    Funny that you used a vintage commercial, because I did too just today.
    Do you remember :
    "Calgon, take me away !!"
    He he he !!

    Take care my friend.
    XXX

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  9. Yeah, but do you fold the TP? That's the real question!

    In this house, I panic if we're under a dozen rolls of TP.
    WHY, I do not know.
    k...maybe it has to do with TP-ing rooms on occasions. If we run low, I worry I'll be denied the right to toss a roll about a room and create a TP web.

    Yes.
    I am bizarre. *laughing*

    Speaking of a TP web--it's BEEN a while.......*plotting*

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  10. Good morning Linda!!

    OMG...THAT'S PERFECT!!!!!!

    Why the the hell didn't I think of that???

    I remember the first time I was in someones home and saw a bidet....I actually thought they were HIS and HERS matching toilets, until I looked closer.

    *and don't tell anyone this...but I actually tried it and I kept laughing, because it tickled my ass!

    HAHAHAHAHAHA!

    Anyway my dear friend....I hope you got you some sleep. Last night before I went to bed I answered a few comments and I was laughing so hard, I ended up having funny dreams!

    Thanks for dropping by Linda!

    And HAPPY MONDAY to ya!

    XOXOXOXO

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  11. Bonjour Barb!

    YES!!!! I do remember those Calgon commercials!!!

    My mother ALWAYS had a box of Calgon sitting next to her bathtub. She LOVED taking baths, rather than showers.

    They STILL make Calgon, and everytime I see it, I'm have tempted to get a box. I too love taking baths.

    Don't you just love the vintage TV commercials? I wish they made a DVD with nothing but commercials on it. I actually enjoy watching commericals more than I do watching a TV show.

    So glad you had a chuckle, Barb!

    Hope your day has gotten a little less manic. God... I've had days like that too!

    Thanks for stopping by today!!

    HAPPY MONDAY to ya!

    XX

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  12. Good Morning my toilet papering friend, Mel!

    OK, you and I are like two peas in a pod.....


    ...not only do we love Halloween, taking bubble baths, and using sidewalk chalk...

    ...but we also love the idea of ROLLING toilet paper!

    When I was a kid, "rolling" someone's home at night was the FUNNEST thing!!! Especially if it had rained in the middle of the night!! It ended up making a MESS!

    God that was FUN!!!!

    And yes, I do fold the toilet paper when I use it. And I also sometimes fold the end of the TP (the part that you grab) into a point. A friend of mine in Florida taught me that trick for when you have house guests - it makes the paper easier to grab! I think she read it in a Martha Stewart book or something?!?!?

    Thanks SOOOOO much for stopping by today, dear Mel!

    Boy...I bet you and I would be a HOOT with a few roles of TP!

    Hey...and did you ever try mummifying your body with a roll? That was something I did at parties when I was in high school!

    HAPPY MONDAY!!!!!

    XO

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  13. My household tends not to be loyal to any one brand - although, I can honestly say we keep a majority of toilet paper companies in business.

    I often think that my family must be eating the damn stuff as well as using it for its proper purpose because no matter how much I buy, its always on my shopping list every week.

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  14. Hi DP

    OMG...between YOU and ME, the toilet paper companies should be very prosperous$$$$

    DAMN...I use TP more than I use paper towels or napkins!

    One time ran out of napkins, so I used a piece of TP instead...and it totally served it's purpose. Scotts is very DURABLE!

    HAHHAHAHAHAHA!!!

    Always great seeing ya, DP!

    Thanks for stopping by and have a SUPER Monday!

    X

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  15. You would think when your children leave home that you'd notice a bit difference in the food and energy bills wouldn't you? Well I tell you we saved megabucks on toilet paper - God knows how much they were using! :0

    I didn't get chance to let you know this morning that there's an award for you at my place but I see you found it m'dear. x

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  16. Good Afternoon Akelamalu!

    HAHAHAHAHAHA!

    OMG...that's FUNNY!!!

    I bet you save a TON of money on TP!!

    What is it about toilet paper usage???

    And isn't it a horrible feeling to suddenly notice that you've run out???

    I think I'd rather run out of milk for my cereal than I would TP!

    And YES...I stopped by your blog a little while ago and saw!

    THANK YOU AGAIN...I love that award!!

    Have a WONDERFUL MONDAY, dear lady!

    X

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  17. OMG!! You ALWAYS choose the BEST pictures for your posts!! And, YES!!!! I DO remember Mr. Whipple!!!I used to think it was sooo hypocritical of him to tell others NOT to squeeze the Charmin... and then he would do it himself!! HMMPH!!!!
    And one thing... What's quilted toilet paper? I LOVE Scott's for the SAME reason you do.. But, too bad, they don't have ANYTHING like that here in France, so instead, we go through about 8-10 rolls per week... because of the small amount they give you per roll here!! And.... NO on any type of chemical scent or additive.. It gives us ladies and irritation where we DONT want one!!! OOOOHHHHH!!!
    Have a great day... Leesa

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  18. You're so right about that quilted stuff! Scott is great.

    I'm so with you on the toilet backing up. Don't you just feel like a helpless idiot for some reason? Oooo! Awful!

    This is something I learned at school and sorta fits in with your topic. Porn stars bleach their anuses! Who knew? I bet they're not using any scratchy TP! LOL

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  19. Bonjour Leesa!

    OMG...I JUST THIS MINUTE left comments on YOUR blog!!!

    Isn't that a RIOT??

    Anyway...I'm so glad you remember Mr. Whipple!! I read online that he passed away at 91, I had no idea he had died!?!?

    Quilted toilet paper literally looks like a quilt, it's fluffy and puffed out with air, so what happens, is that it LOOKS like you're getting a BIG roll of TP, but you're not. Plus I find that it clogs my toilet, however, I do use a lot, so that could be the reason!?!

    OMG...I remember living in Amsterdam for a summer and TP there was SO ROUGH! It was like using a paper towel!!! OUCH!

    I found the last photo on this post by total accident, but when I spotted it I LAUGHED my butt off, so I had to use it. Isn't it a HOOT???

    When I spotted the TP with added moisturizers in it, I had to laugh, which gave me the idea for this post!!!

    Thanks for stopping today, Leesa!

    Hope you had a wonderful day!

    XO

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  20. OMG...Nitebyrd!!!!

    I'm laughing so hard at your comment I'm coughing!!

    How the hell did you find that out about the PORN stars????

    Ok...the next video I rent, I've got to pause it, and then ZOOM into the anus!!!!

    HAHAHAHHAHA!!

    YAY!!! another Scotts user!!! I love that TP. It's easy on the purse and the toilet!

    OMG...and I really meant it when I said an overflowing toilet freaks me out! And that's the perfect word you shared...I feel totally helpless!

    Thanks so much for stopping by, Sis!

    You always make me LAUGH!

    Enjoy your evening!

    X

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  21. Hi again, Ron!!

    Guess what?!! I thought the word was ACTUALLY -
    "connip-shit!!!" Seriously, Like don't have a connip-shit... All my life, that's what I though... Until, I read your blog post!!! I wouldn't have known how to spell it either... But, these days, I spell even the most basic words incorrectly, because I am forgetting all of my English as I assimilate the French language!!!
    I don't think there is such a think as "quilted" toilet paper here.... Not sure..
    If you go to some public restrooms off the freeway, you can find tp that resembles poorly recycled paper that is almost as rough as sandpaper... It can really CHAFE you, so be careful!!!!
    Have a good afternoon... it's almost midnight here now!!!
    Cheers,
    Leesa

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  22. Hi ronnie. I cracked up at your dad...ha.

    My Uncle Lori was a big Air Force man. He would come to visit his sister, my mother. He would have horrible stories of...toilets without toilet paper.

    The HORROR! I know.

    he said he was in a foreign land, I don't remember because I was like 9 years old.

    He would say...sit down. And i would.

    Toni...you know how you hurt your finger and immediately you put it in your mouth, thinking to ease the the pain.

    Yeah...yeah. Uncle what does that have to do with paperless toilets.

    Well they don't have paper...they have monkeys and bricks.

    What! I stood up and started to walk away...wait he softly voiced.

    His green eyes looked serious so I sat back down...indian style.

    He said the restrooms have a hole. You wipe yourself with your finger and put it in the hole.

    If I was allowed to say WTF...I would have. I rolled my eyes and gave him my disbelieving glance.

    He said remember what I said what a person normally does when their finger gets hurt...

    Well when you put your finger in the hold on the wall...that's when the monkey on the other side of the wall smashes your finger with both bricks....

    He waited to see what my resaction was with ahuge smile plastered on his face....seconds later.

    HA HA HA!

    I walked away laughing and shaking my head.

    I thought...my uncle Lori is a big fibber, but he is so very cool!

    Who would have thunk that up!

    I couldn't wait to tell another human being this story.

    hehehe, BTW, I'm like your dad...thought it's SCOTT tissue or the hole in the wall. SO...you know we are well stocked, always.

    hehehehehe.

    Ciao ronnie, you rock sweetie. I loved your post.

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  23. Bonjour Leesa!

    OMG...that's HYSTERICAL!!!!!

    Oh, but let me tell you something...

    ...the older I get, the more I'm forgetting how to spell even the most simple of words! I can't tell you how many times I pause and have to think to myself, "Now how is that spelled?" Words like: decision and psychology. I honestly think that blogger should have a spell check on their commenting format, don't you?

    Many times I will actually open a word processor window and use it to check my spelling, while I'm leaving a comment on someone's blog - I swear!

    Oh, forget about it...the toilet paper in the public restrooms here in the States is HORRIBLE. Not only is it rough, but it's as thin as a piece of tissue paper that you would use to wrap something inside a gift - your finger goes right through it!!

    HAHAHAHAHA!

    GREAT seeing ya again, Leesa!

    Hope you had a wonderful evening!

    X

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  24. Hiya David!

    Hey...it's so great seeing ya!!!

    How have you been, buddy?

    I know this is belated, but Happy New Year!!

    So glad you enjoyed the post!

    Thanks so much for stopping by!

    Enjoy your evening!

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  25. Dearest Miss Jones...

    HAHHAHAAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    OMG...that was freaking HYSTERICAL!!!

    I could actually SEE that whole thing happening to you!!

    And I would loved to have met your uncle, because he sounds like my kind of funny guy! And I bet he was a sweet man too.

    Yes, my friend...my dad was a hardcore serious Charmin man! Even to this day, my mother and I will laugh our asses off when we talk about that on the phone.

    I'm like you...I really prefer SCOTTS. IT's basic, but it does the trick.

    OMG...isn't it funny about the strange topics we talk about on our blogs??

    TOILET PAPER?!?!?

    What's next...condoms?

    HAHAHAHAHA!

    Thanks SOOOOOO much for stopping by and sharing that wonderful story, my friend. I totally enjoyed it!

    Hope you had a MARVI day!

    Ciao bella

    X

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  26. That is funny...I use charmin always and find it nice and soft. When my step son and his girlfriend came visiting from California recently they thought it was like "sandpaper" and promptly went out to buy their own quilted stuff. Yes, they plugged our toilet and we made them clean it up, LOL...ciao

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  27. Hi Rositta~

    Welcome!

    Thanks so much for stopping by.

    OMG...I can't believe they actually found Charmin like sandpaper!?! I can only imagine what they would have thought of SCOTTS!

    Oh, and thank you for mentioning about the quilted stuff clogging up the toilet, because at least I know I'm not the only one who this has happened to. And good for you for making them clean it up!!!

    HAHAHAHAHA!

    Stop by anytime. You're always welcome here!

    Enjoy your evening.

    Ciao!

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  28. Gawd i can't believe you don't have a bedit!
    ~giggle~

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  29. Helloooooooooo Lady Sorrow!

    I do....

    ...I use the bathroom sink!

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHHA!

    God love ya, woman!

    Thanks so much for stopping by...this was such a wonderful treat!

    XOXOXOXOXO

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  30. Hi Ron! It's Sib via "the b*tch". :) Now WHERE in here is the reminder that people need to REPLACE the TP when it runs out? Did I miss that somewhere? Bwahahah. HUGS!

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  31. Wow Ron, You know your shit.
    Hey, my dad's name was Frank also. And My mom's middle name was Ann. Perhaps we are bothers.

    As far as toilet paper goes I like to have paper that has the consistency of lamb's wool. It feels so wonderful when you place it up there with the hemmoroids and the spincter that has functioned so well all these years. Heated paper is also the best. Papers that you can roll a joint in is bi-functional. That's it; heated paper that feels like lambs wool and you can smoke.
    Thanks for letting me get this out. But who gives a crap?

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  32. Hellooooooo Sib!!!

    Ok...I'm confused, you need to clear something up for me...

    ..is the Daily Bitch YOUR blog????

    If it is....BRAVA!!!!!!!!

    I had no idea?!?!?

    And I PROMISE, PROMISE, PROMISE to do a post in the future, specifically about what you mentioned, ok? With this post I just wanted to focus on crazy differences in TP.

    It's funny, I spoke to my mother this morning, and told her that had I written this post...and she LAUGHED her butt off!

    HAHAHAHAHA!

    ALWAYS so great seeing ya, Sib/B*tch!!!!

    Thanks for stopping by dear lady!!!

    Have an awesome day!!

    XO

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  33. Now that's buttlessly funny Ron. Though I do feel for the marketers of these products. I mean they must always be having their butts on their minds :D

    For the matter of fact they do. Take for example few of the catchy lines: "No one likes a bath tissue that leaves pieces behind!" or "Be kind to your behind". Moreover they do also have their market statistics ready. Kimberly-Clarke says a person uses 1.5 miles of toilet paper per year. Another report says $3.7 billion were spent on toilet paper last year. Now these guys have to be out of their mind, it being butt-full already :P

    Anyways i like to roll the roll along for long time. I somehow feel the length of the toilet paper i use is directly proportional to the time i spend at the seat. I really need to test my basics because they hardly seam correlated :D

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  34. HAHAHAHAHA DaveHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!

    HOLY SHIT...this was a comment that TOTALLY topped all your other fabulous comments!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    HAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA!

    OMG....Dave....YOU ARE THE BEST!!!

    I can't even select one thing about your comment that I can comment back on, because I love the whole damn thing EQUALLY!!!

    So I'll end my comment by simply thanking you for always sharing your BRILLIANCE!!!!

    And with this....

    That's it; heated paper that feels like lambs wool and you can smoke.

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!

    BRAVO, sir!

    P.S. and it's SO ironic that our parents have the same NAMES!!!

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  35. Howdy Amit!

    Holy shit....your closing paragraph was freaking HYSTERICAL!!!!!!

    HAHAHAHAHAHHAHA!

    Damn, man....you've got such an INTELLIGENT sense of humor. And I really mean that...it's awesome!

    Hey, and you know something? I never really thought about what these advertisers must go through to get the public to purchase THEIR product over someone else's!!

    And you're right...those catchy phrases that they come out with are probably like "subliminal messages"...

    ...No one likes a bath tissue that leaves pieces behind!"

    And that's some very interesting statistics you shared about toilet paper usage.

    $3.7 billion were spent on toilet paper last year.

    That's pretty amazing?!?!?

    As always, Amit...I thank you for stopping by and sharing your wonderful humor and enjoyable spirit!

    Thanks, bud!

    Have a great day!

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  36. This whole thread, post and comments, CRACKS me up!!

    What a wacky bunch !! I love it.

    And for the record, we are strictly Scotts up here, too! Miles and miles of Scotts. WEEEEEE!~!
    xo

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  37. Helloooooo Kate!

    GREAT TO SEE YA, GIRL!!!

    Thanks for stopping by!

    Yes!!!! Don't the wonderful people who comment here...have the BEST humor????

    It's like one BIG HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

    I get more joy out of responding to the comments, than I do writing the actual post!

    YAY!!!! Another Scotts user!!! I'm telling ya, Kate...it truly is the best darn TP. Economical and FLUSHABLE!!

    Thanks again for dropping by for a alittle TP'ING!

    HAHAHAHAHAA!

    Enjoy your evening!

    XO

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  38. If you are going for cheaper try "Fly paper" it really sticks to ya.

    As far as vitamin E and stuff, well if you ever gave birth you would know. Sometimes women get you know hemorrhoids. OMG TMI. But at least I can admit it!

    If they ever came out with collagen and a clay mask...count me in. I need all the help I can get, besides that is my best "ASS"et!

    I will never forget my ex embedding in my brain... you can skimp on anything but toilet paper is not one of them.

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  39. OMG...Domestic Diva!!!!

    That was HYSTERICAL!!!!!!!

    FLY PAPER!!!!!!!!!

    God...that's PRICELSS!!

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHHA!!!

    Hey, ya know...I never thought of that...maybe that aloe and vit E ARE for those with hemorrhiods!?!? Hell, I need to keep that in mind if my ass should ever come to that!

    Yes, I agree...TP is something you most definately don't want to skimp on. I find that Scotts does the trick. It's affordable, durable, and easy on the HIDE!

    HAHHAHAHA!

    Thanks so much for stopping by and adding your AWESOME wit, dear lady!

    That was GREAT!!

    Hope you had a wonderful day!

    XO

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  40. As I was reading your post. I was thinking I know what my comment is, but then as I got to the bottom of your posting I realized you already know.

    The quitted toliet paper easily causes a clog. So know it is not just you or how much you are using. Just a little clogs the toliet.

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  41. Hi Grumpy!

    Thank you for sharing that, because I keep thinking that I use too much damn paper!?!?

    But it's as you said, even if I used just a little, the quilted stuff STILL seems to backup the toilet!

    It's like trying to flush a quilted blanket down the toilet!!

    HAHAAHHAHAHAHA!

    Thanks for stopping by for a little TP talk!

    X

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