Ron and the OMG!

Yeah, I'm sure most of you have already observed how much I enjoy overly-using OMG in both my posts and comments.

And the funny thing is, four years ago when I first began to notice bloggers using this Internet lingo I thought, “What the hell do they mean by O-M-G?”

SIX MONTHS later, when I finally figured out what it meant I said, “OMG…how LAME is that?”

I then said, “OMG…I will NEVER use cutesy acronyms like that as long as I live and blog!”

And just look at who’s LIVING and BLOGGING it now.

Me!

I’m a regular OMG linguistic addict!

And the only reason I can give you for why I use it all the time is because before I ever say anything, whether speaking or writing it, I actually hear the preface OMG in my head.

And if you think I only say it a lot when I blog, you should hear me when I’m doing the “nasty.”

OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG!

People can hear me OMG’ing in Japan!

I can’t help it, I get very vocal while reading the book, Sex for One: The Joy of Self-loving.

However, you have my solemn word that I will NEVER use any other lame acronyms such as:

DIKU - do I know you?

CSG - chuckle, snicker, grin.

420 - let’s get high.

CUL - see you later.

LOL - laughing out loud (if I want to laugh out loud, I just type HAHAHAHAHAHA).

WTF - (I lie, I’ve used this one before. Actually, a lot.)

Oh, and this is one I made up myself that’s great to use in response to the SPAMMERS I get on my blog, who ask me to hide their business links within my posts.

UCKMFA - meaning: YOU. CAN. KISS. MY. FUZZY. ASS.

Wishing you an OMG weekend everyone!

X

"Alright, Mr. DeMille, I’m ready for my close-up"

As most of you already know, ever since I was a kid, I’ve had a passionate love affair going on with old films.

I can watch them over and over, and still watch them over and over again.

One of my all-time favorite black and white films is Sunset Boulevard.

I don’t know whether it’s because I have such fond memories of sitting in the den of our home; watching it with my fabulous mother on a Saturday afternoon while eating grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup, or the simple fact that I’m an overly dramatic character myself, but I LOVE Sunset Boulevard.

It’s grand, Gothic, eerie, and oh-so intriguing.

It is the story of a demented and faded silent film star, Norma Desmond (Gloria Swanson) who refuses to accept the present by living in the past, and has delusions of making a comeback (or rather a return) to the movie screen in a screenplay she has written herself.

At the beginning of the film, she meets a young handsome screenwriter, Joe Gillis (William Holden) who ends up at her home because his car has a flat tire directly in front of her Sunset Blvd. mansion. They eventually have a torrid and strained “younger man, older woman” affair, while simultaneously using each other for opportunism.


Towards the end of the film, Joe decides to break off the affair, which makes Norma FREAK OUT with jealousy and go totally insane; taking a gun from her dresser drawer and shooting him DEAD into a swimming pool.

Talk about overly dramatic!

But don’t allow the ending to make you think this movie is only dark and dismal, because there’s also a lot of wonderful campy humor in the film.

There is much more that happens between what I just shared with you, but it would take too long to tell. Besides, if you enjoy old movies like me, you really should rent it to see the whole story because it’s truly a brilliant script, mixed with a masterpiece of cinematography.

It is a flawless depiction of what Hollywood was like back then, GLAMOROUS and GRAND.

Movie stars were movie stars.

I would like to share a short montage from some of the best scenes in the movie, infused with the powerful and haunting soundtrack from the Broadway show.

Some of you may have already seen this clip, because I had it on my sidebar last week as one of my movie favorites. So I apologize if you’re watching it for the second time, but it’s such a perfect example of why I love this film.

(and if you have head phones, please use them while watching this because the music is phenomenal)

So, in the infamous last words of the character Norma Desmond, I say……

….“Alright, Mr. DeMille, I’m ready for my close-up.”

Static Cling and the Electrical Shock

This is the time of the year when static cling gives us an electrifying performance.

You know what I mean?

As soon as the outside temperature begins to drop into the colder digits, you begin to notice how your pants stick to your thighs and calves, causing them to bunch up and resemble the skin on a Chinese Shar-Pei dog. Or someone standing behind you on an escalator informs you that one of your socks is statically clinging to the outside of your butt; shamefully discovering it’s been there since you left the house that morning.

You may have also noticed while coiffing your hair how your mane will suddenly stand on end, magnetically attaching itself to the comb or brush, looking as though you just stuck a wet finger into an electrical outlet.

The other day as I was taking the pillow cases off my bed pillows, the static electricity was so intense it sounded like a 4th of July fireworks display….

….SNAP, CRACKLE, POP!

Not only did I have to wrestle in order to get the damn pillow cases off because they were clinging like GLUE, but I also got electrically SHOCKED like 43 times!

Then, while pressing the elevator button in my apartment building, I got the shock of all shocks. It was as if a bolt of lightening came down from the sky and went from the tip of my finger, through my entire body, and then out through my toes.

I felt like freakin’ Frankenstein!

Do you remember when you were a kid, how much fun it was to rub your socked feet over the carpet and then touch a mental door knob; getting shocked? And if you did it in a darkened room you would actually see sparks?

Or how hilarious it was to rub your feet over the carpet and then walk up from behind your 80 year-old grandmother as she was dozing off while watching her favorite soap opera, and SHOCK her on the back of her neck; laughing as she JUMPED?

(I know, I’m hideously evil, just say it)

This reminds me of a time when I went through a faze of torturing my younger brother, Tom.

You can read about it here and here.

Tom reads my blog, so be sure to tell him in your comments how sorry you feel for him because it’ll make him very so much better.

When we were kids, I use to love giving him static electricity shocks while he was sleeping.

After I was absolutely sure he was sound asleep, I would ever so quietly tip-toe into his bedroom while rubbing my feet along the carpet. And at the perfect moment, I would take one of my index fingers and slowing bring it closer and closer to the tip of his nose until it made contact….and then ZAP…zzzzzzit!

OMG, it was so hysterical to watch him FLY off the bed about ten feet while grabbing his nose, not knowing what the hell had just happened. And before I could get caught, I would run out of his room and hide behind the partially closed door; howling until I thought my sides would split.

Yeah, I know that might sound very mean, but hey, I was always bored as a kid.

So what better way did I have to not only have some fun, but also learn about electricity for my science class homework…..

I’m sorry to have shocked you, but you know how much I love ya, Tom!

Wishing you a static cling-free weekend everyone!

X

Life and Laughter

In the three years of having this blog, one of the main things it has revealed to me is the humor in both my life and my humanness.

Often, when sharing a post about a particular experience that may have been frustrating, annoying or madding, by writing it out, has enabled me to not only look back and discover the humor in the experience, but more so the humor in myself for taking myself so seriously in the first place.

Often too, when sharing an experience about something that may have been sad, painful or difficult, it has enabled me to look back and discover the lessons learned.

Have you ever noticed how when something happens to you that may be an uncomfortable situation, you’ll suddenly start laughing; finding it totally inappropriate because you think it’s wrong to laugh?

Or, have you ever noticed how when sometimes during a heated argument with someone, the two of you will suddenly start laughing?

I believe it's because laughter is medicine, which comes to our aid when we need to lighten up; finding the humor. Because humor is healing.

Now, I’m not saying we should never acknowledge our angers, frustrations and annoyances. Nor, our sadness, pains and fears, because I truly think it is healthy to accept, embrace and express how we feel.

However, when these emotions peak to a crescendo, there comes a time when humor is needed.

I’ve always discovered that humor gives way to any challenging situation, by removing me from the challenge; giving clarity to the bigger picture.

Whenever I feel overly angry, sad, or fearful, I will often watch reruns of one of my all-time favorite TV shows, I Love Lucy. And before I know it, I’m laughing; feeling so much better, and so much lighter.

Yes, life is not always easy. In fact, sometimes life can be downright tough. A bitch at times.

And trust me, I’ve been through it. Like I know many of you have.

But whenever life gets this way, I know it’s time to laugh.

I would like to share a short animated video that was created by the amazing Israeli artist, Eran Hilleli, which I discovered last week on one of my longtime favorite blogs, Dooce.

Which by the way, made me LAUGH MY ASS OFF.

(especially after watching it three times in a row)

So, enjoy these three and half seconds about life's ironies. And its humor….

Three and a Half Seconds About Life from Eran Hilleli on Vimeo.

Does Size Really Matter?

Okay, first I have to tell y'all that this post is going to be about PENIS SIZE.

So if that offends you in anyway, please stop back when I post about something less offensive, like the time I accidentally passed gas in front of a customer while selling them a bottle of perfume.

Yeah, it’s true.

I’m absolutely sure you ladies and gents get a surplus of emails that land in your spam box like I do, with a subject line that says….

Hey man, your girl feel down with your shorter penis?

Or.

You Have Everything To Gain!

And as a matter of fact, Wednesday I received THREE, but instead of deleting like I normally do, I decided to read them and then post about it.

Allow me say that as a gay man, size doesn’t matter at all to me. I’ve been with guys who have had schlongs the size of a surfboard, to a guy with one the size of a Nestles Raisinet, and it made no difference. Except, I had to use a magnifying glass to find the one the size of a raisinet, but it was sort of fun playing hide and seek.

To me, sex is all in the mind, therefore if I’m truly attracted to someone it doesn’t matter the size.

However, it may matter to some of you, so do share.

Here is one of the emails I received.

*And please notice all the misspelled words and horrendous grammar. I think the person who wrote this was obviously typing with their HEAD rather than their brain.

....................................

Incredible gains in length of 3-4 inches to yourPenis, PERMANANTLY

Amazing increase in thickness of yourPenis, up to 30%
Better Ejacu1ation control
Experience Rock-HardErecetions
Explosive, intenseOrgasns
Doctor designed and endorsed

...Grow Your Small Penis...

* ROCK SOLID hardness that feels bigger, wider and fuller (to you and to HER)
* THROBBING powerful blood flow to thePenis
* ALL-NIGHT staying power

The proven NaturalPenisEnhancement Pill that works!

100% MoneyBack Guaranteeed

It's used and recommended bySex industry professionals.

....................................

There are just two things I wish to comment on about this email.

First of all, I can’t stopping imagining the 30% increase in thickness. I mean come on….30%???

We’re talking an additional thickness like one of those trees you see in the California Redwood Forest.

And second of all, grow your small penis.

To me that sounds like all you need to do is fertilize and water it, and it’ll grow as big as an Arizona cactus.

I truly think this product is just silly horse feathers, and is all BS.

However, Wednesday night I had a dream that I actually purchased these pills.

And you know what?

They worked…..

……and I changed my name to Dick Prickly.

Wishing you a 30% increase in the thickness of your weekend everyone!

X

One....singular sensation

My acting resume says: Actor - Singer - Dancer

In that order.

I’m confident that I can act, whether it be comedy or drama. I can also sing. Not classically trained like the opera singer Enrico Caruso, mind you, but more like Ethel Merman. I have what’s called, “a stage voice.” Meaning, I can BELT out a song so the audience members in the last row can hear me. I don’t read music, but I have a good ear.

On the other end of the spectrum, my weak spot has always been when it comes to dancing.

Now I can dance, but there’s a big difference between a God-given gifted dancer, and a person who can BULLSHIT his way into making the audience THINK I’m a dancer.

(yeah, that’s where acting comes in handy)

I’ve got good rhythm and a very flexible chassi, but it takes me FOREVER to learn a dance combination because I don’t contain the psyche of a true dancer. Nevertheless, once I learn it I can LOOK like a dancer.

It just take me until hell freezes over.

I remember seeing the original Broadway musical A Chorus Line in NYC, back in 1975, and thinking to myself, “OMG….if I could only dance like that!”

In shows’ finale, the dancers perform a spectacular number called, One, in which they are all decked out in top hats and gold glittery tuxedos.

It’s beyond exciting! You literally get chills watching it.

For those of you are not familiar A Chorus Line is, it’s a fabulous musical based on the real-life stories of professional dancers. The musical takes place during an audition for a new show that’s being produced, as the audience watches the process of what dancers go through on a chorus line. Each dancer tells their life-story through song and dance. It’s both humorous and heartbreaking.


Now what’s really ironic, is that many years later while performing as a professional actor in Florida, I was asked to take on one of the roles for a production of A Chorus Line that was being produced in Orlando, since the guy who had initially been cast dropped out for another dancing job. I had my apprehensions about taking on the part because I knew how intricate the dance numbers were.

However, I decided to take on the challenge and do it anyway.

Once rehearsals started I knew I was in over my head, because all the other cast members where learning the dance numbers in one or two rehearsals, yet I was lagging behind like a confused little puppy dog. And what made it worse was that the director/choreographer had no patience, and it was quite evident that he was NOT HAPPY with having me in the cast.

So, by the end of the first week of rehearsals, I had a talk with him and said that I thought he should recast my role because there was no way I could learn the dances as quickly as he wanted.

And (letting out a sigh of relief) he agreed.

However, whenever I see that show, I always imagine myself in the finale; wearing a top hat and gold glittery tuxedo, singing, “One….singular sensation….every little step she takes…….”

*and please notice me in the FRONT of the line*

*Here's a short clip of part of the finale at the Tony awards

A Time of Surrender

I’ve often shared on previous blog posts about how I believe that sometimes in life we must surrender to what is present and accept. And in doing so, learn something from it.

Presently, I am doing this.

Like so many of you and others, we are going through a time of strain in our lives. The world seems to be in an unsettling and somewhat chaotic place. Finances are tight, jobs are being lost, tensions seem to abound, and people appear more angry.

There is a great deal of uncertainty and fear in the air.

And I can totally understand feeling this way, because I find myself juggling finances each month, holding off on purchasing things that are not absolutely necessary, and cutting back in general. It seems like I just get the monthly bills paid, and then suddenly the first of the next month arrives and I have to pay them all over again.

This past summer my hours at work were reduced again considerably, so I had to take on extra freelance work to help supplement my monthly income. I also had a dental emergency come up, which I had to pay for out of my own pocket. Things were a bit unsettling, but I got through it.

However, now that the fall season has kicked in I am working more than enough hours; catching up on my normal bill paying routine, and can relax.

Also, and some of you already know this, I would really like to move.

Back to NYC.

But with my present job security, I have to stay put and wait for the correct time because there are no jobs available in what I do right now, with the strain and apprehension in retail.

I desire a change of location, however a physical change is not possible at the moment, therefore a change in my perception has been needed.

This is one of those times in my life, when I know that I have to accept and surrender to what is. And it’s not always easy, because at times a part of me dwells on what I want, and another part of me truly believes that what I presently have is exactly all I need at the moment.

And yet, this experience has been teaching me some valuable life lessons.

Like, to live in the moment and notice all the wonderful things I already have, which is a lot. I have health, a job, a roof over my head, family and friends, (which includes all of YOU), and that I am cared for and loved.

Perhaps in the bigger scheme of things, this stressful time the world is going through is happening for a reason other than just the obvious.

Perhaps the Universe is showing us that even when uncertainty is going on all around us, we still have the ability to find peace, security and contentment.

And that perhaps this is an opportunity to stop, notice, and appreciate the simple and basic things in life, when times are tough.

If you really think about it, what the world is going through right now is nothing new. We’ve been through this in past generations and have rejuvenated.

As we will again.

So in the meantime, I plan to stay put, count my blessings, and stay attentive to each moment as it comes.

Because really, peace is right here.

Right now.

Wishing you a peaceful weekend everyone!

X

I lost my internet connection and my mind

In all the years I’ve been online, I have never lost my internet connection.

Not even once.

Okay I lie, maybe once, for like a minute or two, but not a WHOLE DAY.

However, last Friday morning while I was responding to comments on my post, I suddenly lost it.

Both my internet connection and my mind.

You would have sworn I had been cut off from my oxygen supply because I started hyperventilating and gasping for air. I PANICKED.

I turned off my modem and waited 30 seconds like they tell you to do, then turned it back on and waited for the internet light to glow green, but nothing happened.

I tried it again. Nada!

Then, after the third time, the internet light that was suppose to be green, turned RED.

I instantly called my internet provider, and after about 45 minutes of listening to a USELESS automated system, which incidentally sent me in circles because every help option they offered was not the help option I needed, I finally hung up and tried calling back again.

Round and round in circles I went, again and again, listening to every help option for the second time but got no assistance.

By this point I was pacing my apartment; CURSING up a storm.

I WANTED TO TALK TO A REAL PERSON!!!

After my third attempt at getting assistance, I finally spoke to a REAL PERSON, but after she put me on hold she disconnected me, so I had to call back AGAIN.

Oh, I wish you could have seen me, folks. I looked like a raging bull, getting ready to plow my bull horns into a matador.

I had steam coming out of my nostrils. I was LIVID.

Then, when I finally got another real person on the phone, I was connected to someone from a foreign country who could BARELY speak English. And after 20 minutes of trying to understand each other, I was told that a generator in the Pennsylvania area was down, and that certain DSL customers were being affected.

Yeah, uh-huh….and that certain customer would be ME.

I asked how long she thought it would take to get an internet connection again, and was informed that it could take up to several hours, but to keep looking at the red light on my modem, and that when it turned green it meant I had internet service.

Duh!

(I felt like slapping her)

So, I quickly jumped in the shower and dressed for work, and then I took my laptop to a Starbucks so I could use their Wifi to update my blog post; telling everyone I had lost my internet connection and would be responding to comments in the evening when I got home. Hopefully.

All day at work I was mumbling to myself, “OMG…I better have internet service when I get home! I better have internet service when I get home!”

The only thing I could think about was getting back online.

It was at this point I started to realize that perhaps I have a SERIOUS addiction to the internet.

Do you think?

Anyway, when I walked through my apartment door, the first thing I did was walk over to were my modem is and slowly peeked at it; praying to the internet gods above that the green light was on.

And guess what?

It was….

Ahhhhhhh…..I could BREATHE again!

Turning 55

At 4:54 a.m. on October 2nd 1955, I arrived on this earth as the birthing physician slapped my little baby butt, and I let out my first spoken word….

WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

Enter….Ronald Robert Carnavil.

And yet, here I am at almost 55 years old; uttering that same word….

WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA……..I’M OLD!!!!

Yes folks, tomorrow I will be turning 55.

Which is so much better than turning 69, because I've always HATED that position.

Actually, the truth be told, I thoroughly enjoy getting older. Okay, I admit that my hairline has receded and is now 55% gray, and that my face has lost about 55% of it’s elasticity, and that my gonads are now hanging only about 5 inches from the floor.

But hey….that’s what hair dye, Botox, and Victoria’s Secret Push-Up Underwear is for, isn‘t it?

When I was a kid, I couldn’t wait to get older. And even though I had an awesome childhood home life, I longed for the day to be out on my own like Barbie, and have my own cool-looking retro apartment, while preparing a romantic candlelight dinner for Ken with my Easy-Bake Oven.

I use to flippantly tell my mother, “I can’t WAIT until I’m old enough to move out of this house and get my own apartment.”

And she would laughingly reply, “Yeah, and just WAIT until you move out of this house and get your own apartment and have to pay your own BILLS!”

Um….and she was right.

But all kidding aside, I wouldn’t trade my years for all the youth in the world. I truly love my life and all the peaks and valley’s its taken me through. Yes, physically I’ve changed, but its been my life experiences which have brought me to where I am today, that reflect my physical appearance at 55.

I look exactly as I should.

My face and body represent the road map to where I’ve traveled. And it’s been a fabulous 55 year old journey, that only makes me look forward to the future.

I think the thing I have most enjoy about getting older, is that I don’t take myself or life as seriously as I did when I was younger.

Age has a wonderful way of making you not only wiser, but also retaining your youth.

Because as you age, you must never forget to allow your silly inner child to come out and play….

Thank you all for being a BIG part of my life’s journey.



Wishing you a playful weekend everyone!

X