Q-Tips, Doggie Piddle, and Freaks

As you may have read in my subway post last week, city life lends itself to witnessing the unusual.

However, sometimes I witness things that even “I” can’t believe I witness. Because after all these years of living in a city, I thought I was immune to being shocked.

....I thought.

Sometimes I see things and say to myself, “Is it me, or are some people just plain FREAKS?”

I witnessed two things last week that took the Olympic gold medal for Best In Freak Show.

Allow me to say that what I'm about to share with you is 100% true. Yet, if someone was to tell me this I think I would believe they made it up.

But you know what they say….real life is often times stranger than fiction.

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First up, was a man who came into the store and decided to use the Q-tips on one of the cosmetic counters to clean his ears.

Yes, you heard me…TO CLEAN HIS FILTHY EARS.

I watched, as this Neanderthal man took a handful of wooden Q-tips and then proceeded to SWAB his ears, whilst nonchalantly walking through the cosmetic department.

Now, that’s not the most freakish part. The most freakish part was that after he swabbed his ears, he tossed the Q-tips on the floor; leaving them for all of us to look at.

And can I tell you?

This man did not only have a few potato’s growing out of his ears, but more like every potato field in the state of Idaho.

He was Mr. Potato Head.

And what truly appalled me about his nasty deed was that he acted as if he was entitled to do this; without so much as a look around to see if anyone was even watching him.

I stood there bug-eyed, as he deposited his last Q-tip on the floor and then sashayed out the front door, whistling.

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Second up, was a woman I saw walking through my department with her dog on a leash. Personally, I see nothing wrong with people walking their small, well-behaved dogs through a store, however many find it offensive and feel it should not be allowed.

After witnessing what I’m about to share with you, I may have to change my mind and agree.

As this woman got closer to the exit door of the store, she stopped to look at something in one of the cosmetic cases. It was then, that her dog lifted its leg and PEED all over one of the visual displays. She saw the dog do this, but instead of picking the canine up, she allowed it to completely empty its bladder and then SCURRIED out of the store.

All of us sale associates just stood there with our mouths hanging down to the floor and looked at one another, saying in unison and pointing, “ OMG…CAN YOU BELIEVE WHAT SHE JUST DID?”

And it was fun to stand there and guard it, so that the other customers wouldn’t accidentally walk into it until housekeeping got there to clean up the hefty pool of doggie piddle.

So, I ask you…..

aren’t some people just plain FREAKS?






Note: Thank you ladies and gentlemen for sharing your advice and feeback on my last post. I so appreciated it....X

I May Be Changing My Domain Name

Okay folks, I need your advice….

This past week, I’ve been investigating purchasing my own domain name.

Which means, my present URL would go from triloquist dot blogspot dot com to triloquist dot com.

I’ve been thinking about doing this for some time now, but really didn’t know how to do it or what it involved.

I probably should have done this much earlier on, but kept procrastinating.

Not only do I want to do this because it would be more professional, but more so because by purchasing my own domain name will give me ownership of this blog.

I think it’s awesome that we who have our blogs either hosted on Blogspot dot com or Wordpress dot com have everything done for us for free. However, the reality of this is that we DO NOT own our blogs unless we own our own domain names.

Did you know that? I didn’t.

I can either purchase a domain through Blogger/Google (for $10.00 per year), or from a company that sells domain names. I would rather purchase it from Blogger because it would be so much easier to set up and have everything transferred to my new domain. Also, Blogger will continue to host my blog for free.

I don’t wish to self-host my blog at this moment, but simply purchase my own domain name.

My question is, have any of you done this on Blogger or Wordpress? And if you have, do you have any suggestions or advice on making the transition smooth?

Also, I’m wondering…if I should decide later on to move my blog to another blog hosting company (or self-host), will my domain name transfer too, or do I need to purchase a different domain name?

I think my biggest apprehension about switching domain names is that something will go wrong, and my readers won’t get redirected to my new domain. And what about my blog feed? Does that just redirect too?

So, if any of you ladies and gents have any feedback, I would GREATLY appreciate it.

Thank you very much!

I leave you now with some weekend photo humor…..

Have a super holiday weekend everyone!

X

Subways: Down Under

One of the most glorious and memorial days of my life was ten years ago, when I realized I would no longer need a car moving back to a city.

ALLELUIA!

You see, I’m one of those people who LOVES not having a car, therefore living in a city with public transportation at my fingertips is perfect for someone like me.

I’ve never been a car person.

Most people feel as though a car gives them more freedom (even here in the city). But to me a car is like a monkey on my back, with maintenance, insurance, parking, and periodic repairs which NEVER seem to be covered under the warranty.

Yes, living in a city does have its expenses, although it evens itself out by not having a car. It’s a trade-off. Yet, I still feel like I save more money by not having a car. And if I do occasionally travel somewhere way outside the city limits, there is always the option of renting a car for the day.

Most of the time I simply walk all over town. But, sometimes I do use the transit system.

My favorite mode of public transportation is the subway. I don’t normally use the bus because I find that I can walk much faster. A bus is constantly stopping for either a pickup or a traffic jam.

Stop, start. Stop, start. Stop, start.

A subway moves fast. And I enjoy its clickety-clack sound and swaying movement. To me, it’s very relaxing. Like a train.

The only time a subway can be uncomfortable is during the summer. The subway stations are not air conditioned, however the subway cars are. So yes, you can get a bit sweaty while waiting on the platform through the months of July and August.

Many people here in Philadelphia don’t like riding the subway because it means going underground, and that frightens them. But as I see it, your chances of getting mugged on the street are far greater than underground because there are usually more police patrolling the subways than the streets. Ironically, I enjoy descending underground; walking through the maze of twisty tunnels. I kinda feel like the Phantom Of The Opera.

Subways have never frightened me.

On the contrary, subway travel is such a unique human experience. There you are, up close and personal; sometimes seeing the most shocking and inescapable sights.

I could write a whole book on some of the things I've seen while riding a subway.

I remember one time being on a NYC subway and sitting across from a woman who had obviously passed out from too much alcohol or crack consumption. She was sprawled face up on one of the seats. Her legs were spread eagle while wearing a dress. At one point I looked over and noticed she wasn’t wearing any underwear.

Ooops!

It gave a whole new meaning to Busch Gardens.

Call me weird, but ADORE subways.

They’re fast, efficient, and yup, sometimes even a little bazaar.

But hey, that’s why I love city life.....I AM bazaar.

So, if you’re ever in Philadelphia for a visit, I'll treat you to a ride on the subway.

Just make sure you have your underwear on.

I Hate Role-Playing Unless....

One of the things that is sometimes required in my line of work is when a cosmetic company launches new products, they will send us for an intense training so we’re thoroughly knowledgeable in educating the customer.

Now, the best part of these trainings is that they’re held in either a private restaurant room or hotel conference room, where we are served either a delicious breakfast or lunch, and then receive FREE gratis from the company.

That’s the BEST part.

Now, here’s the worst part….

The actual training usually lasts about 3 hours, which entails watching audio-visuals and listening to the company trainer talk about all the features and benefits of the products; saturating our brains with new information.

During the course of the training, we are encouraged to ask questions and discuss how we can incorporate these new products into a customers daily beauty routine.

About an hour before the training is finished, nine times out of ten, the company trainer will have us do something called role-playing.

I HATE ROLE-PLAYING. I HATE IT! I HATE IT! I HATE IT!

I would almost rather have all my leg hair tweezed off with a pair of pliers.

Role-playing involves having two of us at time stand in front of the ENTIRE room, in which one of us plays the sales associate and the other one plays the customer. The sales associate is to try and SELL one of the new products to the customer; telling him or her about how fabulous it is by regurgitating everything we just learned about the product.

First of all, I have short-term memory. So for me to try and remember what I just learned, and then repeat it verbatim is next to impossible. Also, I always feel like a IDIOT standing there in front of a roomful of my peers, trying to sell how the company WANTS me to sell, when I know damn well I don’t sell that way.

I feel like a mechanical robot.

I get totally fahklumpt; acting like I don’t know my ass from my face.

I know this may sound odd coming from an actor who should be use to getting up in front of an audience and performing. However, this is different because every critical eye is on you; waiting to see if you’ll forget something. Or worse, HOPING you’ll forget something so that when THEY get up there to role-play, they’ll remember what you FORGOT; receiving an extra piece of company gratis for REMEMBERING.

I often wonder why companies do this because it’s totally bogus. I mean no one sells like that.

Once I get back to my store, I am able to review and process what I just learned, and then sell the product in the manner in which I naturally sell.

Like a REAL person.

Nope, I don’t like role-playing. Not in the slightest bit.

Not unless it involves this…..

Wishing you a tutu amusing weekend everyone!

X

I'm A Plant Murderer. "Book him Danno!"

Yup, not only am I a cereal killer, but a plant murderer as well!

Last week, I stopped over at my friend Diane’s awesome craft blog and read a delightful post about how she enjoys spending time in her garden when she comes home from work each day.

“The very first thing I do after I get home from work is dash outdoors to look at the garden, then spend about 30 minutes giving it a nice cool drink of water.”

The photos she shared of her lush, green lawn and beautiful zinnia’s were so inspiring to someone like me, who has about as much talent for growing plants and flowers as I do for whistling our national anthem with a mouthful of potato chips.

Even as a kid, I always knew I had no talent for gardening. Probably because I never really had any interest in it. I truly think that in order to be good at growing things, you need to have a passion.

My mother and I would often swap chores on many a summer Saturday afternoon. She would do the weeding and gardening, and I in turn would do her housecleaning. Yes, I have more of a god-given talent for cleaning a toilet than I do for planting a tomato garden. Give me a can of Ajax, a sponge and a pair of rubber gloves, and I’m in nirvana.

I swear, I think I might secretly be Joan Crawford’s one and only love child.

I adore and appreciate flowers and plants, truly I do, however I have no ability for sustaining their lives.

You’ve heard of a green thumb?

Well, I have a BLACK thumb.

A thumb of DEATH.

All I have to do is walk by a flower bed and they WILT.

I’ve actually heard a bed of tulips HISS at me.

I either over-water plants or totally forget about them until they start turning brown and wrinkly; screaming, “WATER! WATER!…PLEASE!”

I’ve tried growing cactus, aloe, bamboo, Chia pets, and even silks.

DEAD.

The only flowers I’ve ever been able to keep alive were a bouquet of carnations. But that’s only because carnations live for a DECADE and could survive three atomic BOMBS.

Oh, and believe it or not, I also miraculously kept a lavender herb plant alive for a WHOLE year, until one day I placed it on a window sill in direct sunlight during the hot summer months. Three days later, I found it SCORCHED to death as if someone had taken a blow torch to it.

*sigh*…..R.I. P. lavender plant.

And speaking of herbs, I’ve never tried growing this strange-looking herb….

Um….I wonder what it is?

Wishing you a HIGHLY entertaining week everyone!

The Big Buddy Bra

I cannot believe I’m actually going to confess this on the Internet, but what the hell, I’ve already confessed so many naughty and SICK things I’ve done as a child on this blog, I thought to myself, “What’s one more?”

When I was a kid, my ultimate goal was to get a job at a department store called Grants.

Grants went out of business a trillion years ago, and probably because of what I’m about to share with you.

I was one of those kids who couldn’t wait until I was old enough to get my social security card, so I could immediately start applying for a job.

I eagerly anticipated working because I wanted my own money to buy whatever my heart desired. I was a very independent child and hated to ask my parents for money to buy all the luxuries a 15 year old fantasizes about having.

Such as, an unlimited supply of bubble gum.

Now, my parents always gave me an allowance each week, however with all the bubble gum I was chewing it didn’t put a dent in my obsessive habit.



One of my favorite bubble gums at the time was called Big Buddy. It was a 12" stick of gum which I would bite off a piece, chew it for 10 minutes and then spit it out, then bite off another piece. One stick would probably last me only a few hours before I’d start on another. It was one of my favorite things to do on a Saturday afternoon because gum was FORBIDDEN on catholic school premises, therefore I had to do all my chewing on the weekends. If you were EVER caught chewing gum in catholic school, the nuns made you take it out of your mouth and wear it on the tip of your nose all day. I guess they figured if they embarrassed you in front of your classmates, you’d be mortified enough not to commit the mortal sin of GUM CHEWING and have to go to hell with all the other FELONS.

Anyway, getting back to Grants department store….

As soon as I got my social security card, I applied for a job. Even then, I knew I loved retail and couldn’t wait to get on the sales floor to sell the goods. However, I was told that because I didn’t have any previous work or sales experience, they couldn’t hire me. I explained to them that if they would give me a job, then I would GET the experience.

Every month I would go back to Grants, hoping they would hire me because I was showing some initiative, but damn it….they refused to employ me.

I did this for probably 6 months, until I got so fed up with the rejection that I decided to take REVENGE.

So, do you know what I did?

OMG, this is AWFUL!

I went to their candy department and bought myself two sticks of Big Buddy, and then casually walked over to their lingerie department. I then proceeded to chew the gum, taking each slimy piece out of my mouth and ever so sneakily placing them inside each bra cup.

(I had to use a bit more gum for the Double-D's)

I went from rack to rack of bras, until every single cup had a BLOB of Big Buddy stuck inside.

Aren’t I EVIL? Aren't I SICK?

(thank god they didn’t have video cameras in stores back then)

However, when I think back to that evil doing, I realize that I was innocently and inadvertently creating a bra of the future.





Update: Hi everyone! Just wanted to let you know on account of Bloggers MAJOR technical glitch yesterday and today, I'll be posting my normally scheduled Friday's post on Monday. I am so OVER Blogger this week. Have an awesome weekend...X

Mother's Day And A Celebration Of Women

Every year at this time, I enjoy sharing a Mother’s Day post celebrating all you wonderful moms out there.

However, this year I’ve decided to not only celebrate motherhood, but also womanhood.

As a man, I will never be able to fully understand what it’s like to be a woman.

Although, being someone who believes in reincarnation, I truly think I was a woman in several of my past lives, because there is a deep part of me that does understand what it’s like to be a woman.

I very often find myself supporting females in this male-dominated society.

It’s true.

It is a man’s world. And I don’t agree that it should be.

Allow me to call attention to something…..

If a male and female are hired to do the same job, then they are BOTH entitled to the EXACT same salary, regardless of whether or not the female is married and providing for a family.

If she is performing the same job equal to a man, then she deserves equal compensation and opportunities.

The. End.

Honestly? I think that certain men are intimidated by women, especially in business. They want a woman to be soft and feminine, but at the same time they want them to be strong and independent. But, if they express their strength and independence, it makes some men feel out of control.

Trust me, I grew up in an Italian family, therefore I know ALL ABOUT male and female roles. My mother was to be a homemaker and silent; never to voice her opinion. Quite often, my mothers opinions on business matters were very intuitive and right on, therefore my father would have been wise to listen to her.

And what I find really ironic about all this role playing, is that most wives are smart enough to know how to make the husband THINK he’s the one in charge.

*winking* Am I right, wives?

Next to every successful man, stands a successful woman.

I have always believed that women are the stronger gender. Both emotionally and physically. And if you don’t believe me, notice a man when he has a simple cold. Watch him act as if he’s at death’s door while the whole world comes to an end.

And then imagine a man having to go through 12 hours of hard labor while giving birth.

I. DON’T. THINK. SO.

And speaking of birth. That’s what I’m truly in awe of when it comes to being a woman.

It is a woman who carries life and gives birth.

There is something extra special about that.

I know it may sound as though I’m bashing my own gender, but I’m not. Because I sincerely believe that men are awesome too. I know many sensitive, genuinely self-confident, open and loving men in my life. Men, who also make tender fathers.

But I don’t think women receive the equality, praise, and respect they deserve.

So, today I would like to give a standing ovation to not only motherhood, but womanhood as well.

And even though I’m a man, and a man who’s partner preference is men, this world would be very boring to me if it weren’t for the presence of women.

In my opinion, not only do women add great beauty to this world. But also, tremendous strength, wisdom and power.

Thank you, ladies.

Happy Mother’s and Womanhood Day!

Have an awesome weekend everyone!

X

Me? A Social Butterfly? A People Person?

It’s funny, because when most people first meet me they automatically assume I’m a social butterfly and a people person.

NOT!

Wait.….allow me to be more specific and say that I prefer being social in small dosages and in small groups. And I love people as long as they don’t get on my nerves - which is like saying I won’t scratch myself having a bad case of poison ivy - it’s impossible.

However, I do know how to put on a happy face and PRETEND to be social. And PRETEND to be a people person. When I have to for work.

I have a B.S. college degree in fine arts.

It’s called BULL SHITTING.

Don’t get me wrong, I love my job and prefer being around the public rather than having an office job because it forces me to be with people.

I like to TORTURE myself.

I had a very social five days at work this past week. And when I say social, I mean we had several special mega-events that involved being around a lot of people; requiring me to be talkative, patient, congenial, and ON for eight hours a day.

By the end of the week my vocal cords were raw, my facial muscles were in agony from the permanent smile I had on my face, and if I had to say, “Hello…may I help you” to one more person with an iPod or a cell phone stuck in their ears, I was going to throw myself in front of a speeding sanitation truck.

When I left work on Saturday night, I was exhausted. I wanted nothing more than to go home, take a nice hot shower, eat some dinner, watch a movie, and not TALK to anyone for two days.

And to make matters worse, the city of Philadelphia was having a HUGE outside festival two blocks from where I live. Therefore, I had to use a tube of KY Jelly to squeeze myself through the one million happy-to-be-drunk people, crowding every inch of the street and pavement.

Upon retiring to bed that night, I unplugged my phone and didn’t even set my alarm clock because I wanted to wake up whenever. I spent Sunday like a hermit inside my apartment. I went out only once to get a few things at the convenient store; wearing a baseball cap and pair of dark sunglasses, so I wouldn’t have to make eye contact and SPEAK.

I think I’ve had enough socializing this past week to last me the rest of the year.

So, whenever anyone assumes I’m a social butterfly and a people person, I have to giggle.

I want to say, “Oh yeah…I’m definitely a social butterfly and a people person.”

I ADORE people with all my heart….

Don’t worry, I’ll be more of a social butterfly and a people person by tomorrow.

Hopefully.