I met Renee Zellweger.....almost

For those of you who have been reading Vent for a while now, know that I’m one of those demented, crazed, starstruck individuals who believes that celebrities don’t put on their pants one leg at a time like the rest of us.

Nor, do they pass gas.

Ok…maybe they do pass gas, but I’m sure it smells like mint chocolate chip ice cream.

Anyway, one day last week I almost met Renee Zellweger.

(who I happen to LOVE)

And when I say ALMOST, I mean I was in the store while she was shopping, however I was preoccupied; helping another customer on the opposite side of the sales floor, so I missed her.

I mean how DARE a common customer distract me while Renee Zellweger was in the store.

She had stopped by one of the cosmetic counters and one of my female co-workers had the opportunity to assist her. And she proved it to me because she showed me her credit card slip.

(and don’t you know that I had to touch it)

Apparently, she has been in the store several times in the past few months because she’s dating a man from New Jersey and likes to come into Philly to do her shopping, so this was not the first time my co-worker had waited on her.

You should have heard me quizzing her about Renee….

“What did she look like in person?”

“What was she wearing?”

“What did she buy?”

“Tell me everything she said.”

And, “WHY THE HELL DIDN‘T YOU COME GET ME WHEN SHE WAS HERE???”

I spent the rest of the afternoon asking everyone on the sales floor if they had seen her.

Now, here’s the most aggravating part of this story….

The following day while I was at work, Renee came back into the store to thank my co-worker for recommending the products she purchased because she was extremely happy with them.

And where was “I” at the time?

I was in Starbucks getting a cup of coffee and a cinnamon scone, so I missed seeing her AGAIN.

As I was walking back from Starbucks, my co-worker came running over to me saying, “OMG, Ron…I was looking all over for you because Renee stopped by my counter again and I wanted to introduce you to her.”

Well…you should have seen my reaction.

I stood there with my eyes and mouth wide opened; slowing turning the color of a BEET, but no words would come out of my mouth.

I was so mad at myself, I wanted to take the scalding hot cup of coffee I was holding and throw it all over myself.

Finally I said, “Well, where did she go? Did she leave the store already? Where did she walk after she left you?”

She said that Renee had walked towards the men’s department, so I high-tailed my butt over in that direction; scanning the store like the paparazzi. I walked through every isle in the men’s department; peering into every blond-haired woman’s face; hoping to meet Renee.

But, did I find her?

Nooooooooooooooooooooo.

She was gone.

Damn it!

I was so heartbroken, because I had missed my chance to tell her that I would have been so much better than Richard Gere in Chicago….

Hello Kitty....the nightmare continues

Yes folks, it’s time for another post about that famous cat who irritates the feces out of me.

Hello Kitty.

While surfing the net last week, I stumbled upon more cutesy-ootsey pink paraphernalia that made my whole body feel like a cat scratching post.

Try typing in Hello Kitty on Google and watch what happens.

Go ahead, try it. You’ll end up in Hello Kitty Hell.

So, without further ado, allow me to share my continuous nightmare…..

Would you just take a look at this. A Hello Kitty wedding gown. This looks like something you would find in a Hello Kitty Salvation Army Store that was once worn by Scarlett O’Hara-Kitty in the movie, Gone With The Feline Wind.

I’ve decided that if I ever get married, THIS will be the dress I’ll walk down the isle in. However, I need to contact Vera Wang to see if she would be willing to create a matching pink tulle veil. Oh, and before I forget…you’ll all be invited to the wedding, so be sure to wear something PINK.

OH. MY. GOD….Hello Kitty beer?!?!?!

I have only two words to say about this item….CAT PISS.

I bet when this Hello Kitty fan blows air it smells like tuna breath.

Can imagine storing your contacts in this Hello Kitty contact holder? I’m almost positive you would be scratching your eyes out from the kitty dander. I’m wondering who that little bear is? Her boyfriend perhaps?

I can only imagine how many scary and painful nightmares I would have if I was forced to sleep in this Hello Kitty bed. I would rather sleep on a bed of razor-sharp nails while serving life in a penitentiary.

I saved the best for last. Just take a guess at what this item is? Let me give you a hint…I don‘t think you would want to put this anywhere near your mouth because it might chip your front teeth.

And notice once again, Hello Kitty’s cute little bear boyfriend. If you’re into menage a‘ trois, I think this would be the ideal vibrator. I bet when this thing is turned on high it sounds like a cat in heat.

Wishing you a fabulously vibrating weekend everyone!

X

Pillow Talk

After reading this post you’re probably going to think something like, “Ron, not only are you OCD, anal retentive, and neurotic, but you’re also crazy as a chimpanzee.

And you’ll be right.

I wish I was one of those lucky people who could fall asleep either sitting in a chair at the airport, or standing up in a corner somewhere, but I’m not.

I should probably start by tell you that I’m not a person who is thrilled at the fact that I have to end my day by doing something called SLEEP.

I mean how inconvenient.

For most of my adult life, I’ve been able to function well on only 5-6 hours of sleep. Anything more than that is too much. I’ve never suffered from bouts of insomnia because I have no problem falling sleeping, it’s just that in order for me to sleep, things have to be a certain way.

First of all, I MUST sleep in my own bed to sleep well. Whenever I visit someone and spend the night, I might as well just stay up because I can’t sleep.

If I’m on a vacation and sleeping in a hotel room, it takes me a few nights to get use to my surroundings before I can actually sleep fully, and by that time it’s time to go home.

I sleep best in the Fall and Winter when the temperatures are low. Summertime is always a challenge, because heat makes me very restless.

I am also a pillow addict. I need FOUR pillows to sleep properly.

I need one to lay my head on, one to sandwich my head between the one I’m laying on, and the other two on either side of my body so I can wrap my legs around them when I sleep on my sides.

I like feeling cocooned in pillows.

I also need to have the room pitch black and quiet.

Living in a city for the past 8 years has been somewhat of a sleep challenge. I’ve gotten into the habit of using one of those Sharper Image sound machines that blocks out external noise.

You know the machines I’m talking about? Those little contraptions that play various sounds, such as a babbling brook, the ocean surf, rain, and a summer night, which sounds like crickets and owls, cricketing and hooting in a forest.

I ask you. Who the hell could sleep with all that forest racket?

The sound I personally listen to is called white noise. It’s a low, consistent noise. Much like the sound of window air-conditioning unit.

My brother gave me the machine for Christmas about 10 years ago, and when I first got it I had no idea what I was ever going to use it for. Years later, when I moved back to a city, I pulled it out of a storage box and have used it ever since.

So, THANK YOU, TOM! Because of you, I can SLEEP!

Anyway, those are my crazy sleeping habits.

So, remember something….

If you ever invite me over to your house to spend the night.

Don’t invite me.

I’ll be crazy.

I'm in Retail. I've Seen it All.

Having been in retail for the past 26 years, I could probably write at least two books about all the crazy stuff I’ve seen.

And what’s really interesting is that for as many times as I’ve said, “Ok, now I’ve seen it all”, the next day a different customer will come into the store and do or say something more bazaar than the day before, that I no longer bother saying it anymore.

One summer day about three years ago, I watched a customer who was wearing a pink chenille halter top with a matching pair of pink chenille shorts, and pink flip-flops with a sunflower flower on the top, walk up to one of the cosmetic counters and proceed to take a tube of scented body lotion and then carefully slathered her entire carcass from the neck down to her feet. It was like watching someone in their own bathroom performing her nightly ritual before bedtime.

After she completed her moisturizing treatment, she then took the matching bottle of fragrance and sprayed herself from the neck down to her feet; being careful not to miss a single inch. Her entire body was soaked in so much fragrance that it was literally dripping onto the floor.

Now here’s the best part.

She then took it upon herself to take one of the “gift with purchases” off the counter and placed it into her purse and then walked towards the exit door.

I was so grateful that security had been watching her on camera because they stopped her just before she walked out and asked, “Excuse me Miss, but did you purchase something in order to take that item in your purse?”

She said, “What do you mean purchase something?”

“Purchase something. You have to purchase something in order to get that as a free gift. The sign specifically says, Gift with Purchase.

She said, “Oh, I only saw the word gift, so I took it.”

(selective reading, I guess)

So you see, I’ve literally seen it ALL.

That is, until this past Wednesday.

After eating my dinner I suddenly remembered that I was out of deodorant and hair gel, so ran over to Rite Aid about a half an hour before it closed.

And as I’m standing in the deodorant isle, I began to hear what sounded like someone cracking their chewing gum. I really didn’t pay much attention until the cracking got so loud, I turned to give the customer a dirty look.

And guess what I saw?

I saw a young woman standing in front of the nail care display, borrowing a pair of nail clippers….CLIPPING HER NAILS.

I could NOT believe my eyes.

I watched in total horror, as her nail clippings went flying all over the place.

THEN.

She proceeded to place the used nail clipper BACK INTO the display case.

Oh, but that’s not all.

She also borrowed one of the nail files and proceeded to carefully file down the rough edges, and then placed it BACK INTO the display case.

The word HEATHEN suddenly came to my mind.

My mouth was frozen open so wide I had to use a hammer in order to close it.

After she finished her manicure, she nonchalantly gathered her jacket and purse and walked out of the store; admiring her nails.

I’m assuming she was headed to a party where the guests would be doing shots of cheap whisky and then making fart sounds with their armpits.

Yes.....I’ve seen it ALL.

Have a spectacular weekend everyone!

X

My First You Tube

Warning: the video you are about to watch looks as though it was made by a patient within the walls of the Bellevue Psychiatric Hospital.

That's because it was.

And I ask that you not eat or drink anything while viewing, because I don’t want to be responsible for coming to your house and performing the Heimlich maneuver on account of you suddenly starting to gag and choke out of FEAR and SHOCK.

Last night I decided to try out the webcam feature on my new laptop by making my first You Tube.

I had no idea what I was going to do for this video, so I just picked up the first few objects I could find in my apartment and flew by the seat of my pants.

It’s called, adlibbing.

BAD adlibbing.

But hey….I tried.

Now, I just want you to take notice to HOW MANY TIMES I said, “But anyway….”

I tried counting them, but lost track after 50.

I think if I want to make more of these videos, I’ll need to hire a script supervisor.

But anyway….I hope you enjoy!

21 Flights of Stairs, 4 Times

Last Friday afternoon, not even 5 minutes after stepping off the elevator in my apartment building while coming up from the laundry room, the electricity suddenly shut off.

BAM!

Getting stuck in an elevator is one of those things that coincides with my fear of ever experiencing the joy of a Brazilian bikini wax.

So thank god it happened AFTER I got off the elevator.

I knew something was up when the fire alarms also started blaring through the hallways; causing my ears to turn inside out and hemorrhage.

Normally, I never leave the apartment when the fire alarms go off in my building because it’s something that occurs rather frequently and ends up being a false alarm. I traditionally just stick my head out of the apartment door, sniff for smoke, and then go back to whatever I was doing. In the past 9 years, I would say the fire alarms go off at least once every few months because of mechanical malfunctions.

But because this time the electricity had shut off, I thought I’d be on the safe side and get the hell out of my apartment because I didn’t want to have to reenact Faye Dunaway in a scene from the movie Towering Inferno.

So I grabbed my laptop, some clean underwear, and my wallet, and then proceeded to walk down 21 flights of stairs.

After I got to the lobby level, I discovered from the doorman that a generator in the basement had exploded and caught fire. The place was riddled in total pandemonium. All I kept hearing was, “MOVE! HURRY!….GET OUT OF THE BUILDING….HURRY!”

As I stepped out the front door, I noticed that the street was covered in fire trucks, fire hoses, and firemen. We were immediately ushered to the opposite side of the street to be out of harms way. The whole sidewalk was jam packed with tenants, all staring up at the apartment building looking for smoke.

About 25 minutes later, the property manager walked over and informed us that the fire was safely extinguished and that as soon as the firemen thoroughly checked the whole building, we were permitted to go back inside. However, the bad news was that we would have NO electricity until they could get someone over to install a new generator, and she had no idea how long that would take.

I decided to take my laptop to Starbucks and sit there for a few hours; responding to emails and visiting blogs.

3 hours later I walked back to my apartment, only to find out that the electricity was not on. So I grabbed a sandwich from a local deli and walked up 21 flights of stairs.

*note: I had to stop on the 17th floor and compose myself because I was so out of breath, I would have given my left nut for a tank of oxygen.

After eating my club sandwich, I didn’t want to just sit my apartment and wait for the electricity to be restored, so I once again grabbed my laptop and walked down ANOTHER 21 flights of stairs and then went back to ANOTHER Starbucks, where I sat and drank ANOTHER cup of coffee so I could use their wifi.

Finally at 7:30 pm, I went back to my apartment where I discovered the building still dark and was told that the electricity would probably not be back on for a least another 2 hours.

After sitting in the lobby and contemplating on what to do, I opted to walk up ANOTHER 21 flights of stairs, light some candles in my dark apartment, and then sit on the floor and meditate in the lotus position; repeating the mantra, “Please let the electricity come back on. Please let the electricity come back on.”

Approximately 30 minutes later I slowly opened my eyes and saw my digital alarm clock blinking…9:15, 9:15, 9:15.

Alleluia….we had electricity!!

Thank you Benjamin Franklin!

Now….

Ask me how many days it took for the pain in my ACHING calve muscles to subside.

21 flights of stairs, 4 times.

Have an electrifying weekend everyone!

X

A Hedgehog Does a Sponge

Last week my dear friend Leesa emailed me an adorable video commercial clip from France.

When I saw it, I HOWLED!

Not only was it funny, but so imaginative.

Leesa was kind enough to find the commercial(s) on You Tube and then emailed them to me for this post, because I was unable to embed the video from France.

THANK YOU SO MUCH LEESA!

Now, what I found interesting about this commercial is that it was supposedly banned from showing on American television because of being too, I guess, promiscuous?

Oh excuse me, I guess it’s perfectly ok to expose American adults and children to the surplus of violence, crime, destruction, and sexual innuendo's on television, but god forbid they show a cute little hedgehog trying to hump a scouring sponge, because I guess then it’s considered terribly taboo.

Paaaleeese!

However, I for one thought it was brilliantly inventive and would make anyone go out and buy a dozen of these sponges.

And perhaps even a pet hedgehog.

They’re one of the most precious little creatures that look like a triple-crossbreed between a mouse, a racoon and a porcupine.

So, here’s the commercial for your viewing.

I hope you all smile as much as I did.

Thank you France, for an ingenious commercial.

And you GO little hedgehog......get your rocks off!

While Having my Morning Coffee

I totally think it’s flawless that on the day I published my previous post, something happened that reflected the vulnerability of doubt and following my gut.

Isn’t that always the case ?

You talk about something and then it happens.

Wednesday morning while having my cup of coffee, I got a call from my boss sharing that my hours at work had suddenly been reduced.

And by quite a bit, I might add.

I can’t say I’m surprised and I’m not at all upset with my company, because everyone in my industry has been experiencing hourly reductions and layoff’s since last year. I on the other hand, have not. But I’ve never been naive or cocky to think that it couldn‘t happen. I have and always will, treat my job with respect and appreciation.

I have the type of job that allows me a tremendous amount of wonderful freedom, because I’m not constricted by a fixed schedule. I can work whenever I want, so long as I get the hours in. I get paid a great hourly salary and on top of that, I love my job. However, with that freedom comes the knowingness that my position could be eliminated or reduced at any moment, because what I do is a type of position that is usually first trimmed in this industry. That’s the reality of my job, but I love doing it, so I take that chance.

But, let me tell you how this whole thing played out.

It’s interesting to look back a few weeks ago, and see that something was being formed to prepare and support me for this moment.

I was offered a hefty amount of freelance hours for this month from a company I sometimes work for, but was very hesitant to take them because I didn’t want them to conflict with the hours I was already working for my own company. However, something in my “gut” told me to take them, so I did.

Not only that, but when I got to work on Wednesday this same company offered me even more hours.

And not only that, but after telling one of the managers at work that my hours had been reduced, she told me they just so happen to be looking for someone to fill a part-time freelance position with one of the men’s skincare lines, and that she would gladly give my name and number to the company.

And by end of the day, I was offered the job.

I am so fucking grateful.

So, between the hours I already work, and the additional hours I will be getting from the other two companies, I’ll be just fine for now. Later, I’ll simply have to trust that other companies will continue to offer me hours to supplement my income.

Do I feel vulnerable?

Yes, of course.

But, I’ll just keep following my gut.

Have a SUPER-DUPER weekend everyone!

X

Note: Starting next week and for the remainder of the month, I will be posting off-schedule. I’ll be working a lot, so my time will tight. However, I will be responding to comments and visiting you all whenever I am at home. Thank you for your patience and understanding.

Doubt

This past weekend I watched a brilliant film called Doubt.

And at the end of it, I was literally left sitting there with my mouth wide open in total bewilderment because there were so many things within the storyline, that you as a viewer, are left wondering whether they were certain or doubtful.

Which was the whole point of the film.

Ambiguity.

Five people could watch this same film and come out thinking they saw something completely different, because it’s written in such a way that nothing is for sure.

There is no scripted conclusion.

YOU are left to decide.

But days later, what you eventually realize is that the film really had nothing to do with the subject matter that was made reference to, but more so about the vulnerability of doubt.

For those of you who haven’t seen it, I really don’t want to share anything about the storyline because it would give too much away. This is one of those films that is better viewed without having any sense of knowing the details.

However, what I can share is that it left me feeling about doubt.

There are many different areas in which we may experience doubt, however, I would like to talk about self-doubt.

So here’s a question (not relating to the film):

When you are pretty sure about something, like almost 100%, do you ever still wonder if you’re wrong? Do you think it’s better to act on what you believe, knowing there is a slight chance you may be wrong, or just not get involved for fear of making the wrong choice?

Me, personally?

I tend to make my choices based on my “feelings.” And when I say feelings, I mean that “gut” feeling within myself.

I would rather act on what I believe to be a gut feeling, knowing there is a chance I may be wrong; even though I might be fearful of making the wrong choice.

There have been too many times in my life, when there was no tangible proof that something was right for me, yet, I just knew that it was.

But, do I still doubt myself?

Yes, of course I do.

What if I’m wrong? Should I do it? Can I do it? Am I crazy for feeling this way?

I think there will always be a sense of doubt within me, no matter how certain I am about my gut feeling.

And perhaps this movie shows the reason why.

Not everything is always certain.

Except for the human experience of doubt.

A True Confession

I would like to start this weeks posts with a true confession.

I did NOT get a Macbook.

Gasp!

Yeah, it’s true.

Allow me to preface what I’m about share by saying that I in no way see this as a reflection of Apple or their computers, because I still think they’re awesome and know that one day I will purchase one. Unfortunately, I didn’t go directly through a Mac Store when I was attempting my purchase, later realizing it was only an Apple Specialist Store.

To make a long story short and without mentioning any names, my second experience at the store was nothing like my first. And what’s really ironic is that my second experience was with the OWNER.

Let me just put it this way….

He was one of the most aggressive and pushy salesman, who was so full of shit that his green eyes turned brown as he desperately tried to force feed me handfuls of BULL. He basically tried to get me to purchase a more expensive model; pointing out everything negative about the Macbook.

I felt like saying, “You know, buddy…I masturbated before I went to bed last night, so I really don’t need another WHACK job right now.”

And it’s funny, because when I talked to him on the phone before our meeting, I kinda got a feeling about his personality when he said, “The salesman who helped you yesterday was good, however I’m the BEST.”

Gee…isn’t that a wonderful way for an owner to talk about one of his employees?

After our meeting I left the store feeling totally annoyed and frustrated, so I decided to take a few days to clear my emotions and then find the location of an actual Apple Store in my surrounding area.

I found one.

But for some reason, two days before I went there I walked into a Staples Office Supply Store to check out their laptop computers and discovered one that totally impressed me. And after doing some investigation, I decided to purchase it.

I believe in fate.

The laptop came fully loaded, and the memory and processor are awesome. It’s thin and lightweight, so it’s perfect to transport.

And the best part is that it runs Microsoft 7, which is fab-u-lous!

So, here’s my new laptop…..

HP Pavilion dm3-1130us