La Bella Luna

I would like to start off by letting you know that this post is in no way a sponsored review, but rather to simply share about a product which I love more than my own life.

However, even though I specifically state in bold type on my writer page that I DO NOT offer to compose sponsored reviews on ANY of my blogs, I still get several emails a month asking me to write them.

Do think maybe some people can’t READ?

OR....do you think perhaps they believe that if they throw me a whopping offer of $3.00 per review post, I’ll be tempted to JUMP at the chance to PROSTITUTE my blogs by PIMPING their links?

I. Don’t. Think. So.

(and I hope they're READING this)

Anyway….getting back to my original story.

It was probably about nine years I ago when I discovered a nutrition bar called Luna.

But I really can’t be totally certain how nutritional they are because to me they taste like a candy bar wrapped in a healthy 70% organic costume.

However, I don’t eat them for the nutrition, I eat them for the taste. They're heavenly!

Now the strange thing about my initial discovery of Luna was that I didn’t read all of the information contained on the wrapper, because when I saw the magical flavor - Chocolate Peppermint Stick - I didn’t care if I was about to eat a rectangular bar of compacted cat shit, as long as it tasted like chocolate and peppermint.

It must have weeks later, when I finally glanced at the wrapper and first saw the words The Whole Nutrition Bar for Women. And after I began to read some of the higher percentages of certain ingredients (calcium and iron) I realized why, but I thought to myself, “Oh, who the hell cares…it’s not going to harm me any just because I’m a man, right?”

Yet it’s funny how when I purchase a bar the paranoia insecurity in me will ALWAYS explain to the cashier that I DO realize these bars are intended for women, but I don’t care because they’re delicious.

And besides….I think it’s important to feed my female-side.

But just recently I thought of something….

…wouldn’t be funny if over the past nine years, I’m slowly performing a sex-change operation on myself without even knowing it.

And that perhaps one day I can buy a blue, two-piece string bikini, and hang out by the pool while a life guard rubs Hawaiian Tropic all over on my gorgeous body…..

"La bella luna's!"

P.S... But I think I'm going need my upper lip waxed.

Blog Interview: I Shoulda Been a Stripper

After visiting Chrissy’s blog and reading several of her posts, I instantly became one of her loyal readers. Not only was I drawn in by her natural style of writing, but I also found her sense of humor dry, intelligent, and sarcastically brilliant. Whether she’s sharing humor or something that’s very dear to her heart, my attention is fully on following her every word. I especially look forward to when Chrissy shares stories involving her precious canine daughter, Bernie. OMG…can I just tell ya how much I LOVE this dog? She’s freakin’ adorable!

So, lets find out more about the lady behind the blog, I Shoulda Been a Stripper….

Welcome Chrissy……

What first attracted you to blogging?

I’ve always had this closet dream to be able to say “I’m a writer” and I decided that 2009 would be my year to do something, anything to hone my skills. Blogging seemed like the right fit to get started.

How did you come up with the title of your blog?

I was raised in a rather abusive home and I always joke with my friends that most people raised in an environment like that are either, strippers, hookers or drug addicts.

I thought being a stripper would have been the most fun. And for some reason, I do feel the most confident naked.

How long have you been blogging?

Since January 4, 2009.

What has most surprised you about blogging?

First, that this whole blogging “world” even exists. It’s far more vast than I ever imagined and yet, I’ve made some wonderful connections with people who have become friends.

Second, that people are actually reading me! I’ve always thought I was funny but I talk to my dog so, who’s to say? I think Ron was the first one to leave a comment!

What types of readers has your blog attracted?

There are two types:

1) The “quick clicks”: They think they’re going to see a little booty because of my title.

2) The “Seinfeldesque” reader: They find humor in daily life; they’re intelligent but still laugh at stories about farts. They’re a little self-deprecating and they understand the subtle tongue in cheek references in my blog.

What attracts you to read someone else’s blog?

I have my core group of humor bloggers that I love to read daily. I want to be able to relate to the stories so I’m attracted to people who draw humor out of the daily minutia of life and yet, aren’t afraid to get a little deeper and serious sometimes, too.

There are also a few blogs I follow in photography, interior design and dogs. There’s nothing funnier than talking dogs. Oh, except talking monkeys.

Where do you find the inspiration for your posts?

All I have to do is open my eyes in the morning because there’s inspiration all around me. Lest you think I was locked in a cage during my childhood (that only happened on Sundays if I was late for church), my parents are two of the funniest people I know. My mother is very loud and boisterous and my father is the quiet, dry humored one. We learned to find humor in everything. I keep a notebook with me everywhere I go to jot down daily funnies.

What is the most challenging aspect of blogging for you?

I’m trying to become more disciplined to post at the same time during the day but sometimes I don’t have time in the morning or I’ll post right before I go to bed. I also try to respond to all my comments in a timely manner because I really appreciate that people have taken the time to visit and leave their thoughts.

What is one thing about life that you don't understand?

Why anyone watches the Tyra show. Really, people, Tyra?

Do you believe in a higher power? And if you do, how do you see this power?

I do believe in a Higher Power. I was raised as a Christian in an Eastern Orthodox church but at this point in my life, I don’t belong to any organized religion. I think mainly because my beliefs cross over too many ideologies.

Yes, I have a relationship with this Higher Power that gives me strength and imbues me with an overwhelming feeling of love and acceptance but I can’t really define what or who it is exactly.

What one person has affected your life in the most profound way. And how?

I’ve never been able to answer this question because I can’t narrow it down to one. I would have to say my sister and my closest girlfriends. They’ve always been the shelter through all of the storms in my life and I’m so grateful to have them.

Please describe Bernie in one word.

Love!

I love you Bernie!

Note: Chrissy will also be responding to comments on this post, so please feel free to talk with her. Thank you.

*the photos of both Chrissy and Bernie were created at Photofunia

Farewell Dear Alarm Clock

Well….a terrible tragedy has fallen upon me.

My faithful and loyal alarm clock of 16 years… died of heart failure.

I desperately tried doing some CPR, but had no success. I watched, as it’s red digital glow gradually got weaker and weaker until it flatlined and then went black.

And you have no idea how upsetting this was to me.

At first, I couldn’t even throw it away. I kept it on my nightstand for a two days thinking that maybe it would suddenly resurrect from the dead.

You see, this clock had been specifically handpicked for it’s alarm sound.

Now you may find this a little OCD, but I probably spent close to an hour going through every single clock in Radio Shack, testing the alarms until I found the perfect sound that would not wake me up by suddenly JARRING me out of a morning sleep.

I’m one of those people who is not fond of A.M., so I need to greet the world very gently when I first wake up. And gently to me is not being awaken by a clock alarm that sounds as if my head is stuck inside Big Ben GONGING nine times over London Bridge.

Nor is it fun to be awaken by an offensive clock alarm that sounds like an army drill sergeant screaming….“GET YOUR ASS OUT OF BED, PRIVATE…MOVE IT…MOVE IT!!!”

I mean have you ever heard some of the heinous sounds that come out of certain alarm clocks?

When I was a kid, I had one of those deafening wind-up clocks that not only TICKED like a time bomb, but every time the alarm went off…it sounded like a catholic school fire drill.

I’m a very light sleeper with sensitive ears, so all I require is a cotton ball hitting the floor to wake me up.

The clock that passed away had the perfect alarm sound. It was a very low and gentle beeping noise that woke me up calmly and peacefully.

It was such a dear, sweet friend, who I will miss more than Sex and the City.

However, I finally concluded that it was time to come of out mourning and purchase a new one. So, one day while I was in Rite Aid I noticed that they were having a sale on alarm clocks. Now the only drawback was that I was unable to test the alarm sounds because they were prepackaged. But I decided to take a chance on one of them; praying that the alarm sound would be something I could deal with.

And guess what?

I fuckin' HATE it!

Ka-Boom!

Let's Ketch-up

Hi Folks!

First, let me say that I missed you and hope you all had a great week!

Mine was super, however it’s been hotter than a witches' tit in hell, here in Philly. I spent as little time outdoors as possible because as you already know, heat and humidity makes me insane. Walking to work and a few trips to Borders Bookstore was I could stand without wanting to stab myself in the eyes with a straight pin. It’s been a non-stop marathon of perpetual shvitzing and I'm over it.

I can’t wait for Fall and Winter…BRING IT ON!!!

Bye-bye, summertime!

Rather than post what I had originally planned for today, I decided to save it for Wednesday and use this time to ketch-up…..

Not only was I able to write three new posts for my blog, Moi Review Blog, but I also added a fabulous new header design and some new features. I've decided to redirect my primary topics to beauty products and advice. When I first started this blog my topics were widely varied, however my real passion is sharing what I’ve learned from being in the beauty industry. If you’re someone who has an interest in makeup, skincare, body care, and fragrances, please stop by anytime.

BTW….if you’re looking for a uniquely designed FREE blog header, please check out Rockstar Template - this guy is truly an artist! He’s designed some of the best headers I’ve seen on the Internet.

I have also decided to add some new highlights on Vent….yahoo!!!

In the three years that I’ve been blogging, I’ve met some fascinating, talented, and diverse individuals. So, please don’t be surprised when you begin to see guest posts and blogger interviews throughout the months - I’ve always had a secret desire to be a talk-show host. I will still be posting my own vents, but I want to begin opening this blog to other voices. I think it will be extremely fun and a great way to highlight the awesome people I blog with.

So stay tuned!

I look forward to ketching-up with all of you today.

Thank you for your comments and emails last week.

Have a great Monday, everyone!

X

Cut......Taking a Break

Hi Folks!

Just wanted to let you know that I will be taking this week off from posting here.

I'll be spending this time researching and writing a few posts for my other two blogs.

Also, lately I've been inspired to add some highlights to this blog, therefore, I will be using this week to figure out how I want to present them.

But before I leave, I thought I'd SHOCK you with a photo from my past.

Ready?......





GASP!

This was my very first professional acting headshot that was taken back in the 70's.

Could you just DIE?

Now tell me the honest truth...don't your eyes immediately go to my HAIR, SIDEBURNS, and EYEBROWS?

Mine do.

But at least they distract me from noticing that thick WRINKLED shirt collar.

WTF?

I think this photo makes me look like a Greg Brady want-to-be.

And it's no wonder that every time I walked into an audition and handed this headshot to a director, he would immediately say....

"I'm sorry, but we'll keep you in mind the next time we decide to do a musical version of The Brady Bunch.....

...NEXT!"


Have a great week everyone!

And I'll see ya next Monday.

Love,
Greg Brady

Zoe....the Catnipper

I don’t think I’ve ever shared a thing on this blog about my other longtime kitty companion, Zoe.

In fact, I don’t think I’ve ever even mentioned her name before.

Shame on me!!!

The image you see above is Miss Zoe.

She was a gorgeous cat. She was half Siamese and half “whatever.” And as you can see from this old photo, she was mostly gray with just a splash of white around her face and paws. Her fur was magnificent. It was short, but dense. When you touched it, it was like touching a chinchilla. She had the softest fur I’d ever felt on any cat.

I adopted her from the Humane Society when she was only a year old and PREGNANT.

Jerry, my other cat, who you’ve heard me mention several times before, was her offspring.

She, like Jerry, lived until she was 19 years old.

I always called her MISS Zoe because she demanded it.

I loved her with all my heart, but she was more of what most people who don’t like cats think about ALL cats. She had that stereotypical CAT ATTITUDE…..

…she had no use for humans.

But quite frankly, I found it hysterical.

She was what you would call….Hollywood Royalty.

She was the Joan Crawford and Bette Davis of the cat kingdom.

She was a STAR, who's attitude said, "Kiss my furry ass!"

I was only permitted to touch her for two minutes per day and was only allowed to look at her for five. And if I looked at her any longer than that, she would get up…and walk away.

My only purpose was to feed her on a timely schedule and to make sure her litter box was ALWAYS clean of any feces before she stepped into it. And if by chance I didn’t…she would simply shit directly next to the litter box and then leave me a post-it note….

NEXT time…make sure it’s clean!

But I LOVED her.

She was definite, strong-willed, independent, and fearless.

During the entire 19 years of her life, I don’t think I ever saw her exude a single flustered emotion. She was always calm, cool and in control.

That is…until I brought out the CATNIP.

Whenever I was bored and wanted to see Zoe lose control, I would sprinkle a fist-full of catnip on the kitchen floor and watch her go ballistic. It was like watching a completely different cat. She would literally THROW herself atop the catnip and roll around on it like clothes in a dryer - she flipped around, and around, and around in complete circles. Occasionally, she would stop and bury her face in the catnip; taking deep breaths as though she was inhaling nirvana. Sometimes she would even stand up and start tap dancing amongst the catnip like Gene Kelly with four legs.

And after she was completely spent…she would suddenly collapse motionless on the floor; staring straight ahead with a spacey look in her red bloodshot eyes, like she had just smoked the biggest doobie of premium Columbian grass…

….and just smile.

Wishing you a nip-of-whatever weekend everyone!

My Official Summer Bitch Post

Well, here it is folks….

….my official summer bitch post.

However, considering that it’s mid-August and we haven’t experienced much heat this summer, I should be happy and grateful and not whining or complaining about the heat wave that just sauntered in.

I am happy and grateful.

And I do know that I shouldn’t complain or whine.

Logically I know these things in my head, but unfortunately deep within the center of my being, all I want to do is SCREAM..….

......…I HATE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I had heard from someone at work on Sunday that the temperatures this week were going to be in the 90’s with 85% humidity, so the heat index was going to be 102.

Well…

…when I heard what came out of their mouth, it really sounded like they said, “Starting tomorrow it’s going to feel as though you’re spending seven days in hell, while Satan is rubbing HOT COALS all over your naked body; dangling a glass of ice cold water one inch from your dry, parched lips and telling you that you can’t have it.”

I knew that for the whole week I would most likely be acting like a menopausal rhinoceros because my whole personality changes when I’m hot.

Truthfully, I can get very short tempered and have been known to exclaim the words, “BITE ME!”

Monday morning when I woke up I discovered I was out of coffee, so I had to walk to the drug store around the corner to get some Maxwell House. And I could tell, even at 9 a.m. that the day was going to be hellacious.

It was close to three o’clock by the time I finally got outside to run some errands. And the second I opened the front door of my apartment building the hot, humid air hit me in the face like a heavy wet blanket that had been soaking inside an Italian hoagie.

Something wonderful happens in the city when it gets hot and humid.

It smells like onioned arm pits.

Such a lovely aroma.

Anyway….

…by the time I finished walking only four blocks, my clothes were soaking wet and my forehead was dripping salty sweat into my burning eyes. I felt like I wanted to throw myself in front of moving Septa bus.

I tried walking close to the buildings, so I would be shaded from the sun by the awnings, but apparently everyone else had the same idea because I kept bumping into sweaty onion people who were trying to HOG that side of the pavement.

Well, needless to say I did NOT accomplish all my errands on Monday. I decided to split them into two days, so I could evenly distribute my heat torture.

Tuesday, I saved for a long hot walk to the grocery store. And about half way back to my apartment building; carrying two bags of heavy groceries, I suddenly wanted to SCREAM out like the Wicked Witch of the West…..

Discoveries About Blogging

First, let me say that I never thought I would be blogging.

A little over three years ago while in a Border’s Bookstore, I just so happened to pick up a book on blogging, and after reading a few chapters I thought to myself, “Why would anyone do this, what‘s the point?”

And yet, I think it’s funny how I now write for three blogs and have met people from all over the world through this wonderful medium.

How I felt three years ago, and what I’ve discovered about blogging since then has changed considerably.

Today, I would like to share some of the things I discovered along the way…

Stats: When I first starting blogging I was obsessed with stats. I wanted to know how many people linked to me, what my google ranking was, how many hits I got a day, and how many people were burning my feed. I spent more time checking my stats than I did writing for my blog.

Now, I can’t say I no longer look at these things, but I look much less because I’ve discovered that if I just enjoy writing my posts, then those who are meant to come, will come.

Commenting and readership: For however much I love getting comments, I’ve realized that commenting does not always equal readership. Not everyone who reads my blog will comment because not everything I write will inspire someone to say something. I don’t always comment on every blog I read, so I don’t expect others to do the same on mine. I also realize that some people just read my blog and may never comment - that’s their choice.

Changes: This blog has a life of it's own. What I initially intended this blog to be has changed. What I was also first willing to share about myself has changed. I’ve tried doing a number of different things with this blog throughout the past two years - some of which worked for me, and others did not. Blogging has taught me to take chances by experimenting with new ideas. It never hurts to try.

Taking a break: It’s important for me to know when to take a break, so I don’t get burned out. When I first started doing this I worried that I would lose readers, but I realized that by taking a week off, gave me time to recharge and come back fresh. I usually take a break every 3-4 months.

Writing for myself: A blog is not singular, therefore, I must always consider my readers when it comes to things such as: varying my topic choices, writing my posts so that they’re clearly understood, respond to comments in a timely manner, and offer my readers a blog design that’s interesting, but doesn’t distract them from what they stopped by to do…read.

I consider my readers as if they were coming to visit me in my home. I want their visit to be comfortable, easy, and to feel appreciated. But when it comes to my topics I write for myself because if I start conforming my topics to my readers, then I’m not being true to what inspires me. I’m very blessed with this blog to have a wide variety of readers who are open. My topics may not always be something they initially identify with, but they’re at least receptive to read about it.

Blogging is a journey. And the longer I take the journey, the more I discover.

In concluding this post, I would like to share the most important thing I’ve discovered about blogging….passion.

Because when I’m passionate, my readers will always be willing to come along for the ride.

Thanks, everyone!




*Please feel free to share things you may have discovered about blogging.

Wanting and Needing

As most of you already know, last week I shared my first meme, Peeling Away My Nine Layers.

One of the questions asked, was, “Goal you'd like to achieve?”

And my answer was, “To always know the difference between wanting and needing.”

Today I would like to share a little more about my feelings on the differences, and what wanting and needing has taught me when it comes to happiness.

First, let me say that my eyes are sometimes bigger than my needs.

What I often see as a need, is usually nothing more than a needless want.

Much too often in the past I idealized about what I believed would make me happier instead of enjoying what I had and only needed, right then and there.

Most of the things I thought I wanted came attached to a scenario in my head about how I believed that want would make me FEEL. And to be perfectly honest with you, nine times out of ten when I got what I wanted, the feeling was never what I thought it would be. And that’s not a negative thing, because if I had never wanted, I would have never discovered what it was that I really needed.

So, I believe there is great value in wanting.

Six years ago when I went through financial bankruptcy, was also when I began to learn about wanting and needing.

At the time I had nothing of any tangible value, and yet, it was also a time in my life that enabled me to notice how very little I needed to make me happy.

I saw things differently.

And although going through bankruptcy was one of the most stressful times in my life, it ended up being one hell of a great teacher.

Because it taught me to live simply with the basics.

It taught me to stop chasing my tail.

It taught me to enjoy and appreciate my life where it is today, because my life will always give me what I need without ever having to want it.

And yet….

I still want.

But there’s a difference now….

If by chance my wants don‘t ever manifest…I know there's a damn good reason.

I didn’t need it.

Have a faaabulous weekend everyone!

Busted Smoking a Cigarette

I should have known I'd grow up to be a smoker, because my cousin and I used to enjoy sifting through the ash tray in her mothers car; smoking the cigarette butts. And the reason why we did this was because my aunt had a habit of taking only two buffs on a cigarette and then putting it out. Her car ashtray looked like a cigarette case because there would always be anywhere from 5-7 barely smoked cigarettes, perfectly lined up around the edge.

I’ll never forget the time when I was in my early teens and my mother found out that I was not only stealing her 35 cents a-pack unfiltered Chesterfield cigarettes, but also secretively smoking them out of my bedroom bathroom window.

However, I’m the one to blame for that because I stupidly forgot to check the toilet after I flushed the butt and it regurgitated back up; delicately floating on the surface like a water lily the second I walked out the door and left for school that morning.

I should have wrapped that DAMN cigarette butt in a wad of toilet paper to give it some weight, before flushing.

Anyway, I can still remember that afternoon when I got home from school, as my mother inquired, “Ronnie…are you smoking cigarettes?”

Me (nervously caught off-guard): “um…no…why do you ask?”

She: “Are you SURE you’re not smoking cigarettes?”

Me (more nervously caught off-guard): “um…yes….wwwhy?”

She: “Well then…please tell me how a cigarette butt got in your toilet?”

Me (thinking fast): “um…I have no idea. But I do know that my friend Billy Jenkins smokes his parents cigarettes sometimes, so maybe he left it in my toilet.

She (laughing): “Oh really?…well, was Billy Jenkins in your bathroom at 6:30 this morning smoking a cigarette?”

Me: “um…I honestly can‘t remember”

BUSTED.

My mother immediately sent me to my room and told me to stay there until my father came home, when they would discuss a form of punishment.

Now mind you, both my parents smoked, so I thought it ironic when my father gave me a long lecture on the hazards of smoking.

(do as I ask, don‘t do as I do)

Later that evening they finally came up with a punishment to fit my crime.

They decided that since I couldn’t be trusted, they were going to remove my bedroom door from it’s hinges for a month, so I would have no privacy.

OMG…..it was like they were sentencing me to a month in Alcatraz because I was VERY particular about my privacy.

So, before I went to sleep that night my older brother came up to my bedroom with a screw driver and hammer, and took down my door.

And for the next few days it was absolute torture, because I couldn’t sleep at night without having a door - it drove me insane.

So, do you know what I did?

I took my allowance money and walked to Grants department store and bought myself a plastic beaded door curtain.

Ok…technically it wasn’t a DOOR, I know.

But it did give me a few SLIVERS of privacy….

Strange and Bizarre Acts

I’ve often wondered when people do strange and bizarre things, why I seem to be the one and only person who ends up witnessing them.

I truly think I must be a “bizarre magnet” that says… "Please feel free to act as strange as you wish because I’m unshakable.”

I’ve see a plethora of bizarre things in my life, but what I witnessed on the train coming back from NYC Saturday evening was a 10 on the Richter scale of bizarreness. And after viewing what I witnessed, I now know that if I should die tomorrow…I have lived a full and rich life.

First of all, my train trip back from NYC was horrendous. I unfortunately ended up taking a seat in a car that was filled with children who had obviously been downing heavy amounts of sugary, caffeinated soft drinks all afternoon. For an hour and a half, I had the immense pleasure of listening to a car filled with SCREAMING banshee-children. The train was filled to capacity, so I had nowhere else to move. And by the time I got to New Jersey for my transfer, every single nerve in my body was twitching and quivering.

As soon as the train pulled into the station I RAN to catch my connection and found a nice quiet car occupied with only a few people. So I took a seat, closed my eyes and decided to take a nap for an hour.

That is…

…until the car began to fill with the SAME screaming children from the other train.

SHIT….THEY WERE FOLLOWING ME!!!

So, I grabbed my backpack and walked three cars ahead, where I found a totally unoccupied one.

And after I took a seat, I began to silently pray, “Please God, I ask only one thing from you right now. No SCREAMING children in this car…PLEASE!”

And He answered my prayer.

However….He substituted the children for something completely different.

After about five minutes of sitting there in silent bliss, I noticed a nice, normal-looking gentleman walk into the car and take a seat on the opposite side, about four rows ahead of me.

He seemed quiet and harmless enough.

Well…

…about two minutes later, I began to hear the sound of dripping water. The dripping water then turned into the sound of running water. Then the running water turned into the sound of gushing water.

And I’m thinking to myself, “Where the HELL is that water-sound coming from?”

So I peeked my head around the side of the seat in front of me to see if I could notice anything unusual, and do you know what I saw?

I saw the nice, normal-looking gentleman who was sitting four rows ahead of me PEEING over the front of his seat.

That’s right.

And has I brought my head down a little lower, so I could get a better look under his seat….I saw both his hairy legs spread wide apart, as a waterfall of urine cascaded between his ugly flip-flops.

This guy must have had a bladder the size of a horse because the amount of water on the floor resembled Lake Michigan.

I kid you not.

I honestly didn’t think it was possible for a human being to void that much urine.

Now, here’s the best part of this story….

After he was finished, he waggled his penis to make sure it was nice and dry before he threw it back into his shorts. Then he stood up…IN HIS OWN URINE…and walked out of his seat, down the water-soaked isle, and into another car.

And here’s an even better part of this story…

As the train began to move forward; out of the station, all his urine began rolling down the isle…

…towards ME.







Moral of this story: Be very specific when praying to God - because He has a wicked sense of humor.