Popeye the Sailor Man

Spinach is one of my favorite veggies.

Therefore, I eat it a lot.

And when I say a lot…I mean I eat it with EVERYTHING.

With the exception of my morning cereal and my afternoon-delight Dove Dark Chocolate candy bar, I will mix spinach in my salads, pasta, veggie burgers, and soups. You name it, I add it.

I try to eat it raw, but I also found these amazingly inexpensive frozen bags of organic chopped spinach at Trader Joes. So, sometimes I’ll use that instead of the raw stuff.

However, there is one BIG challenge when eating spinach. And that is, removing it from between your teeth.

I don’t care how much I floss, brush, rinse, and douche, I will still find particles of spinach floating around in my mouth 8 hours later.

Can someone please tell me....where the HELL does it hide?

And heaven help me if I should eat spinach while dining in a restaurant. You’re not going to believe this, and please don’t tell anyone, but I now carry dental floss and a small compact mirror in my backpack so I can check my teeth after eating. I’m surprise with my OCD tendencies, I also don’t carry around a flashlight and a portable water pik.

This reminds me of a funny story that will show you just how evil I can be.

I once had a friend who was equally as paranoid about having food between her teeth. One time while she and I were having lunch somewhere, she ordered something with spinach. However, on that particular day I did not. So, when she finished her meal she immediately asked……

(grinning her teeth at me)

“Ron, quick….look at my teeth, do you see any spinach?”

(and after examining her mouth very carefully)

I said, “No, hun….none at all.

See....I told you I was evil.

Have a FABU weekend everyone!

X

Viva la Difference

Dogs

I am your humble and obedient servant.

I will fetch your paper, bring your slippers, and protect you when you are in danger.

I will lay down my life for you.

If need be, I will hold my pee-pee in until you wake up in the morning.

I will patiently await for you to feed me. Take your time, I can wait all day.

I will love you through all eternity.....

Cats

I look GOOD, don't I?

I will permit you to stand there and gaze upon me, however please don't touch.

Tomorrow, and if I'm in the mood, I may allow you to scratch me under my chin. But only for a minute.

Please be sure to sift my litter box on a hourly basis, because I don’t like stepping over my own feces.

For now please feed me, then you are discharged.

I just know you would love to love me.

However, take number and wait in line.....

Cats and Dogs

Let’s Talk About Dust Bunnies

I think it may be a combination of having exposed hardwood floors in my apartment, and also living in an air polluted city that I’m constantly experiencing what I like to call…

The Invasion of the Dust Bunnies.

And I’ve often wondered….

First, where the hell do these fuzzy creatures come from?

Two, why do they seem to congregate and hide around the perimator of a room?

And C, why is it that no matter what I do to removed them, they reproduce in what seems to be minutes later?

I’m a very tidy housekeeper and will vacuum and wet wash every inch of my floor at least once a week. However, four or five days later my beautiful hardwood floor is infiltrated with more rabbit fur.

The other day I had to get behind my entertainment center to adjust a cord on my DVD player. And when I rolled it away from the wall, I saw what can only be described as a colony of grayish-black bunny balls that were the size of tumbleweed.

And as the wind from an open window blew one across the floor, I jumped and screamed because thought it was friggin’ mouse.

After doing some research on the Internet about the origins of dust bunnies, I found some clarity on Esquire which also included this interesting piece of information….

“In Germany, by the way, a dust bunny is called a wollmaus ("wool mouse"), and a British slang term for them is "slut's wool."

Slut’s wool.

How perfect.

I guess that’s why they seem to multiply so fast…..

The little PUTA’S!

Calling All Disco Queens

Ever since I got DSL I’ve been spending way too much time over at You Tube getting my fill of all my favorite songs and movie clips.

I know I’m in the major minority when it comes to loving disco music, but I don’t care because it drives me WILD.

I love to dance, therefore hearing disco always makes me wanna get up and FREAK OUT.

Earlier this week, I got on a Donna Summers kick and decided to listen to my favorite disco tune, Last Dance.

The song Last Dance begins as a slow foreplay and then builds to a musical orgasm as it crescendos into a glorious climax.

During my clubbing days, Last Dance was traditionally the final song they would play whenever the bars were getting ready to close at 2 a.m.

So, as soon as Miss Summers would start crooning her slow introduction over the disco speakers, the dance floor would immediately cram with about 500 ladies and gentleman, all dressed in polyester and smelling like Jovan Musk Oil and Ralph Lauren Polo.

The dance floor looked like a sea of slow swaying drunken sailors and sailorettes.

But as the music started building in tempo everyone suddenly became sober and sharp; gyrating their hips and shoulders, and flailing their arms in the air while spinning in circles like a top.

Both bubbles and white confetti would periodically exploded from the ceiling, as everyone let out earpeircing SCREAMS of delight.

Some people would also blow lifeguard whistles and twirl fans in their hands to the beat of the music.

The experience was pure disco nirvana.

A few nights ago while listening to the extended version of Last Dance, I couldn’t restrain myself. I stood up in front of my computer monitor and had the time of my life. I danced and spun like a monkey who had just seen a banana tree.

Flashbacks of times gone by filled my soul to the point of making me emotional.

And as the song concluded I felt spent, but totally fulfilled.

Because I was once again….

…..a Disco Queen!

Have a faaaaabulous weekend everyone!

*Here is a short clip of Miss Summers singing Last Dance. You GO, diva!

The Aphrodisiac Apple

First, I would like to thank all of you awesome people who gave me your feedback on which laptop computers you use on my post two weeks ago.

It truly helped me a lot.

I really took the time to investigate each one of your recommendations via the Internet, and also visited various stores to check them out in person.

However, I saved my last stop for the Mac store here in Philly.

And can I tell you something?

I truly think that the Mac apple logo must contain some sort of invisible aphrodisiac that draws you in; making you become a Mac lover. Because the second my fingertips hit the keyboard …..I was addicted.

I was literally STONED in love.

My eyes suddenly got a glassy glaze over them as I began to stare comatose into the computer screen with a smile on face that actually hurt. At one point, I’m pretty sure I came out of my body and floated to another dimension.

The MAC dimension.

In all my years of working on computers, I have never experienced anything like using a Mac.

Not only did I feel the difference in the touch of the keyboard, but also the incredible easy in which the mouse pad worked. I’m such a klutz when it comes to using a laptop mouse pad because I always feel like have no control over it. However, the second my fingers began to work with the Mac mouse pad, I had total control over the movements. It felt as though I had became “one” with the computer.

The salesman in the showroom was so patient and helpful. He explained how everything worked and then allowed me to play with various models for 45 minutes. The software was totally different, but took me no time to get use to. I actually found it easier than Microsoft. And a hell of a lot faster.

Everything seemed to move like a finely made Swiss watch.

And let me tell you about the graphics.

I have never seen graphics look so crystal clear and vibrate on any computer screen, like a Mac.

Over the weekend I debated on whether the cost of a Mac was worth it, or whether I should just get something less expensive.

Monday afternoon I took one last trip to my local office supply store, so I could once again look over the other brands I was considering. But every time I touched them I could not get my experience with the Mac computer out of my head. The other laptops just did NOT feel the same.

I decided that for all the time I spend on the Internet, and with teaching myself more and more about web design, I think the investment in a Mac would be well worth it in the long run.

So, Friday afternoon I'm going to purchase this little beauty.....

The Mac Book

I will never look at apples the same way again.

Where’s the Nearest Fire Hydrant?

As you all know, I love winter and have no problem being cold.

However, has anyone else noticed how during the winter months you have to PEE a lot more?

OMG….I’ve been pissin’ like a race horse.

And it’s not only the frequent urination that’s been an issue, but also the AMOUNT.

I swear, lately when I pee I feel like I'm in Niagara Falls.

Yesterday morning after I had my cup of coffee, I had to use the bathroom THREE times. And you would think that after THREE leaks, I would have been as dry as a cotton ball in the desert.

But, nooooooooo…..right before I went to work, I had to go AGAIN.

So, I sat on the toilet squeezing every single drop from my kidneys and bladder, because I don't really enjoy using the public restroom at work.

But guess what?

No sooner did I arrive at my place of employment, then 20 minutes later I was running cross-legged; making a B line for the restroom.

I didn't want to drink anything else during my work shift, because I feared that I would suddenly have to leave the floor while in the middle of a consultation with a customer.

Normally, I can go HOURS without having to void, but the minute my body feels that winter chill, it’s like, “Ok, it’s pee time!”

And god forbid I drink a cup of Sleepy Time herbal tea before bedtime, because then I'm up half the night sleepless in the bathroom.

Perhaps as I’m getting older, my bladder is shrinking to the size of a thimble.

But, brother…I feel like I’m spending my entire winter having a close intimate relationship with a toilet.

I suppose I could try not consuming anything liquid until Spring.

Or better yet….

I think for the remainder of this season, I may start walking around with my zipper open; pretending I’m one of those cute garden fountains you see in all the photos from Paris, France…..

Le pee pee boy

Happy Valentines Day!

For those who don’t blog, it’s hard for them to understand how relationships can be formed through this medium. And it’s even harder for them to understand how people can support and share love with one another.

But we as bloggers know that love has no limits, and can be shared through the energy of our words.

I have received an abundance of love through this blog.

So I would like to thank you for that.

And please know that you are loved, valued, and appreciated in return.

And also know that whether you’re married, in relationship, or single….

...love is always present on it’s own.

Because it is forever inside of you.

Happy Valentines Day everyone!

X

Who Blogs More, Men or Women?

Have you ever taken notice to the percentage of men versus women who read and comment on your blog?

It’s impossible to tell who is actually reading my blog because not everyone who subscribes to my feed, comments. But when it comes to the people who I blog with closely and who also comment, it’s definitely more women.

I read more women’s blogs, so I know that has something to do with it.

But I’ve noticed while visiting and commenting on many of your blogs (both men's and women's), there also seems to be more comments from women.

I believe that a lot of what attracts a reader to a blog, depends what you write about, your style of writing, and your particular energy that may draw one more than the other.

I definitely know that what I share and how I express myself on this blog attracts more women, but I also have a small group of men who read and comment regularly.

However, these are specifically men who are very open, sensitive, and enjoy communicating.

Yet, I still can’t help but think that blogging, primarily when it comes to a personal blog, is a medium that attracts more women.

Could it be because women communicate and freely expressing themselves more?

Are women more naturally open?

What about you….?

Do you have more women than men, or more men than women that read and comment on your blog?

Or do you have an equal amount?

I’m just curious to hear your observations and thoughts on this.


Thanks, folks!

March of a Penguin

Now I know how the emperor penguin feels as it takes it’s yearly march.

You see, I’m one of those people who refuses to miss work.

Perhaps it’s the memory of my father knocking on my bedroom door every morning, “Ronnie, it’s time to get up…you don’t want to be late for work, buddy.”

I was instilled at a very young age, “You must always take your job with serious responsibility. Don’t ever be late. And don’t EVER call in sick unless you’re dying.”

So, unless I’m flatlining in a hospital bed, I go to work.

Such as I did on Saturday afternoon during that horrendous, state of emergency snow storm we had here in Philadelphia.

After putting on my Eskimo attire, which should have included a sled and twelve Alaskan huskies, I marched my little hairy penguin-butt, four blocks to my place of employment.


Only FOUR blocks you say? That’s not so bad.

You‘re right, it’s not bad at all on a normal day. But when you add Antarctic wind gusts that were blowing me across the sidewalk like a piece of toilet paper, and snowfall that was so heavy I couldn’t even see two inches in front of my face, it was BAD. My umbrella lasted about two seconds before it was ripped inside out and totally destroyed.

It looked as though I was standing there holding onto a single toothpick.

And watching me climb over the massive snow drifts that had been created by our city snow plows, was truly a sight to behold. It must have appeared funny as my 5’7” frame suddenly sank; disappearing into a 6 foot snow dune.

Every inch of my body was covered in snow.

Now, here’s the really idiotic part of this story.

I was out of cigarettes and was terribly worried I wouldn’t be able to find a convenient store open when I got out of work, so I walked to THREE different stores before I found my precious Marlboro Light 100’s in a box.

*God forbid I not have a cigarette with my evening glass of wine.

But hey, I pursued like a strong emperor penguin would, and marched until I got to work.

And believe it or not I got there on time.

Looking like a Popsicle…...

But at least I wasn't flatlining.

Now I Can Bitch and Wine

As many of you already know, this past Christmas I received a gift card from a local wine and spirit store here in Philly. So, Monday afternoon I decided to go wine shopping.

For someone who only 3 years ago started drinking any kind of alcoholic beverage, I’ve gradually turned into a wine freakazoid.

However, let me say it’s not the AMOUNT of wine I consume that does it for me, because I’m really a lightweight. A half a glass to a glass is about all I can handle. Anything more than a glass, I start seeing flying monkeys. But rather, it’s about the selecting, pairing, pouring, and the overall ritual of wine that I love.

For me, wine is a spiritual experience that must be performed and savored like a sacrament.

I enjoy taking my time while selecting a new wine. I like reading the labels to see what flavors are listed and where the wine came from. I tend to like California and Australian wines best. I drink Pinot Noir, Shiraz, or a Cabernet Sauvignon. I have also enjoyed Shiraz/Cabernet Sauvignon blends. Talk about yummy!

I don’t judge the price of a wine by how good it will be, because some of the best wines I’ve ever tasted have been under $10.00.

Anyhoo, while I was strolling through the store I came across this bottle….

*Notice the back label: bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch…

Now I’m wondering….would I only consume this wine when I felt like BITCHING about something?

Well, I guess that would mean intravenously EVERYDAY.....

Have a Bitch and Wine weekend everyone!

X

Maria from Russia

Monday afternoon I received two spam emails in my gmail account that were just too good to pass up and not share.

I think it’s funny that I got both of them four hours apart and from the same person.

Maria from Russia.

Normally I don’t even open spam, I just click on the delete button and AWAY they go.

However, something made me open these two emails.

Was it destiny? Was it the universe beckoning me to compose an anti-spam post?

Or, was it just my demented curiosity that made me do it?

Perhaps a little of both.

Anyway, here they are. And please note the subject lines.


From: notification at facebookmail.com
To: triloquist at gmail.com
Date: Mon, Feb 1, 2010 at 1:27 PM

Subject: gently kiss your neck, lower and lower, come to me.

“We were talking on the forum, remember me? I am Maria from Russia!”

My Dating Site

.............................................................................

From: itunes at new-music.itunes.com
To: triloquist at gmail.com
Date: Mon, Feb 1, 2010 at 5:20 PM

Subject: I fell in love with you as soon as I saw your picture!

“We were talking on the forum, remember me? I am Maria from Russia!”

My Dating Site


This is my response to Maria:

Dear Maria from Russia,

First, I would like to thank you for both your emails, because I enjoy getting spam as much as do a paper cut on my lip from a manila envelope.

But I‘m a little curious as to what picture you’re referring too. The only picture I have of myself on my Facebook profile is that of George Jetson. And what forum are you talking about? Because the only forum I was ever on was back in 1988, when I was in the musical “A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum.”

You have no idea how flattered I am to know that my picture made someone fall in love with me and that they wanted to gently kiss my neck, lower and lower.

(exactly, how LOW do you go?)

However, I think you sent your spam to the wrong person.

I’m not quite such sure how to tell you this other than just typing it out in bold Arial font.

I. AM. GAY.

(and I don’t mean just happy and jolly)

Allow me to explain….

Gay, is when two consenting men get together in the shower and play Drop The Soap.

Do you get my drift?

So, SPAM, BAM…..no thank you ma’am!


Cartoonishly yours,

George from America

Need Help Choosing a Laptop

Hi Everyone!

Listen, I’m planning to purchase a laptop sometime soon, so if you’re a laptop user I would love to ask for your feedback on the brand you use.

It’s been overwhelming doing research on which laptops are the best when it comes to all the technical stuff, such as, RAM, Speed, …blah, blah, blah.

I’m basically looking for something to use as a second computer. It doesn’t have to have a lot of bells and whistles. I would like to stay in the $400 to $500 range, and think that’s pretty feasible because I’ve seen them at that price.

I’ve always had HP computers and have been extremely happy and satisfied with their performance, long-life, and customer service. So, an HP laptop is where I’m leaning.

I know MANY of you are Mac users and swear by them. I might even consider investing more moola if you feel in the long run it would be worth it to purchase one of their Note Books. I've seen thoughs for about $900 -$1,000.

I’ve always dreamed of having a Mac.

*squeal*

Last week, I also looked at about four different Net Books. I realize they don’t hold much memory and need a separate hard drive to store things, but since it would only be used for second computer, I was actually considering getting one because of their small size and portability.

So, if you ladies and gents would kindly share your recommendations and opinions on why you like your laptops, the pros and cons, and any other advice, I would greatly appreciate it.

Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

*However, PLEASE don’t recommend this one because I’d sooner dive off the Empire State Building into a wet sponge.

Meow......hisssssssss!